I had a most unusual dream the other night. In it my daughter & I, and the man I am seeing were on a vacation at a beautiful lake. I am not sure where we were, although something in me says we were in Ontario. The water was clear & reflected an endless blue sky, there were lots of trees and the shore line was both rough rocky outcroppings & lovely sandy beaches. I floated peacefully alone in the water in an inner tube, the sun warm on my skin, the water lapping gently around me. Every fiber of my being was at peace, content, basking in quiet solitude. I looked around occasionally, to make sure I had not drifted to far, to ensure my daughter was safe, and when I did I suddenly noticed in the water around me were alligators & hippos. I had a flash of concern, but realized as quickly they were not at all threatening. It's funny that even in my dream I recognized the incongruity of it all. Eventually I paddled over to where my daughter had been playing in the sand & water, she was collecting her things, and I asked her why. She told me everyone had be instructed to leave the water, and looking about I could see that it was true. I took her hand & we went in to change.
There was a children's activity organized & my daughter asked my friend to join her. I watched them for awhile, my heart full of affection, my eyes tearing with happiness. And then I saw the pair of them coming to join me, smiling as they approached me, and my heart was full & content.
When I woke I wondered still at the vaguely threatening creatures, even as I still felt that joy & contentment of the final picture. I wondered if they were not some unseen or unspoken threat to my relationship, or if I was choosing to ignore some danger in my life. But none of that seemed to quite fit. Later that day I had tea
with a friend, and shared the dream with her. She commented, after encouraging me to keep seeking my own answer from Holy Spirit, that she saw it as God saying what ever risk or threat, real, or imagined , He had me, I was safe, covered. She reminded me that sometimes when things in life seem to be good & going according to "plan" we tend to think it may be too good to be true, and start wondering if we deserve it, begin looking for the thing that will mess up our happiness, especially when we have suffered years of false starts, thwarted and broken dreams, and disappointments.My life is far from perfect...but that said, it is good. I have found a greater measure of peace in this past year, and renewed joy. I have begun to believe in & pursue my dreams again, and have opened my heart again to the possibility of love. Today is the last day of the year and I have been, over the past few days marveling at what has transpired, and allowing myself to hope for greater things in the coming year.
And then, hiding in the calm shadows along the bank, the great jaws of criticism and disapproval snapped at me. And the violent swirling tail of loneliness almost upended my little raft. And out of the blue sky poured icy rain of hurt feelings, anger at being misunderstood, disappointment and doubt.
I allowed myself the hurt, wept a few tears, sent a text to a friend seeking a little comfort, and then the pieces started to fit. I can float tranquil in my life, and there will be threats to that tranquility, but in the end I can gather my loved ones to me and all will be well again. My peace & well being do not rest in others, but in God. If he can shut the mouths of the lions for Daniel, he can keep the alligators & hippopotamuses from upending my boat and eating me alive too.
I hope to be more faithful in writing this coming year, and that I am not distracted by the alligators along the shore.
