We've all played the game of "What if". It can be an amusing pastime to speculate on how our lives might look if we had chosen some other path - married the other guy, didn't marry the one we did, chose another career path, on and on. On the other hand it can be deadly to our self esteem as we look too long in the rear view mirror and wonder "if only". I mentioned in my last post about being replaced in my husband's affections, and for a long time beat myself up for not being tall, thin, a wide-eyed ingenue. Obviously I couldn't be younger, and being blonde would just look silly, but I wished I could have been other than I was. I did realize that I am pretty awesome just as I am (not to say I probably could use a bit of improvement here and there) and his failure to see what makes me special is a fault of his not mine. I actually find it amusing to write that statement since one of the things that drove him nuts as a people pleaser was that I am not. Take me as I am, no apologies. If you don't like me, that's on you. The paradox is unfathomable, but it is part and parcel of our human condition.
All of this is to say, when we consider who we need to forgive, and why we need to, we need to first look in the mirror. I think often the things that upset us most in others is the trait or habit we like least in ourselves. Oh, not always. Sometimes it's a thing that reminds us to closely of someone in our past who caused us pain, but that is not my point today.
You have probably heard the adage "Love your neighbour as yourself" (Mark 12:31) even if you don't turn to Bible passages as a part of your personal creed. But have you ever considered how hard it is to do this if you don't love yourself first? I'm not advocating selfish, self-serving narcissism, but a genuine understanding that you are valuable, beautiful, that your opinions matter, that you deserve kindness and respect. The corollary of this is equally true. Until you forgive yourself your faults and failures it will be difficult, if not impossible, to forgive anyone else. If you happened upon someone mistreating or speaking ill of someone you cared about would you not interrupt them with what you knew to be the truth? Perhaps a kind explanation of why they had acted the way the did? Of course you would. When your friend says she's stupid, or fat, or ugly, a bad mom - the list goes on - do you not tell her she is in fact beautiful, kind, wiser than she knows, a good mom who's doing her best? Can you not afford the same courtesy to yourself? If you're a mother yourself (or a dad, this is irrespective of gender) do you want to model to your children self rejection?
We have all made mistakes. Been in relationships we never should have been in, or gotten out of sooner. We have all felt rejected for being exactly who we are - which drives us to wear a mask, to pretend to be other than who we are (which is exhausting in it's own right, and makes us hate ourselves even more!). We lose our tempers with our kids, or feed them McDonald's three times some weeks. Look in the mirror. Look into your eyes, deep. See the hurting, broken person hiding there, and forgive them. We are all doing the best we can with what we know today. Tomorrow, when you know better, do better.
I can hear you. You're telling me I don't understand. I do. I have spoken out of turn and been misunderstood. I have felt badly for not having money to give my kids stuff, for being too tired to cook another meal no one was going to eat and making KD and hot dogs or chicken nuggets, again. The specifics of your story will differ from mine, but the truth is we're all doing our best, playing the hand we have been dealt. It's ok, you're ok, just keep putting one foot in front of the other and move forward.
