YES

I have written on several occasions about living without fear, living my life boldly and without apology or regret (easier said than done, believe me) but what I fear I have had to face has actually been relatively small, the fear of what others might think of me, the fear of getting hurt again, or failing again. But last week I found myself staring down a much bigger fear. The dread of it loomed so large I couldn't begin to express it or deal with it, so I tried to ignore it, in the foolish hope it would just go, be left in the realm of nightmares and misunderstandings. Six days have come & gone and I have come to terms in a small way. I have begun to try and acknowledge it, but speaking it aloud only makes it real.
My mother has been ill for months. What we first thought was a flu that had its grip on her, and then hoped was pneumonia has finally been diagnosed. And there is our collective fear-Cancer.

I believe wholeheartedly in the power of prayer, in the healing touch of Jesus. I have seen enough evidence to know, beyond the shadow of a doubt, these things still happen, are still possible. And yet I wrestle still with all the things I have prayed for and not received the answer my heart longed for. I know God is ever & always on His throne, that He works all things for good (even disease). The most awful things in my life have always brought startling blessings into my life...but I am having trouble remembering that just now.

One of the things that make dealing with this so difficult (and there are many, as you might imagine) is that all the things I know are true, that I would say to comfort my mother, my sisters, my step-father, sound trite and glib even to my own ears.

"YES"

This morning at church, during worship, I let my heart plead with God more on this. What I saw was sun beams streaming through the clouds (one of my favourite sights here) and I knew I stood in the presence of God. And I heard Him whisper in my ear one word-"yes". I have been asking for a lot of different things lately, but this disease was at the forefront of my mind today.
I suppose I will have to wait to learn what the "yes" was for. Perhaps, being a generous & loving Father, there were several gifts tied up in that one promise.

What Can Eat You Alive....

Its been a crazy kind of week, with bouts of busyness interspersed with periods of whatever the opposite of that busyness in the extreme. And in the midst of that I was utterly without ideas or inspiration to write about. Sometimes when I find myself staring at the blank screen or page i can just begin to write, stream of consciousness type stuff, and something generally will pique my interest enough to follow through. For some reason even the stream of consciousness tack failed me, which, by late yesterday was quite disconcerting. I have "lost" my ability to write before, usually in times of extreme emotion, but not struggling there I had to wonder at the numbness of spirit I was feeling. And numbness is the best descriptor I have...like an emotional epidural I was quite conscious of my thoughts, but utterly unable to feel anything.
That said I decided, by default, I suppose, to just ride it out. I have endured silence before, and if I am patient, if I can rest & cease striving for it, God does speak again so I can hear, and usually in unexpected and surprising ways and places.

Last night I was chatting with a new friend I met online (you'd think I'd learn, but I keep going back-I've "met" some interesting people and had some marvelous conversations along the way though). He is a cultural anthropologist and has traveled extensively in pursuit of his studies. It is unfortunate that he embraces all religions equally, but it has, thus far, made for some lively conversation!
As our conversation moved on, I found him somewhat reluctant to discuss his past-"the past is pain", he argued. My response? My past is covered by forgiveness. And it has served to make me, in part, at least, who I am today (The quote from William Blake; "The child is father to the man" was in my head). "Wow", he replied.
I didn't ask why that was his response, but it got me thinking about the power of forgiveness again. He commented how kind I was to give this gift, but in truth, I forgave for me, not for those who had hurt me. i explained that one day I looked in the mirror, and I did not like who I saw looking back. I knew the only way out was to forgive and to move forward.
There is freedom in forgiveness that can not be explained, it must be experienced. Anger and bitterness will eat you alive. It was as I typed those last words that I heard Holy Spirit speaking through me. The words rang with a truth to marvelous to have come soley from my selfish heart, and i knew what I needed to share.
I still don't know what in his past is so painful, nor does he yet know my painful past. I an hoping that as we continue to get to know each other something in my tale of forgiveness speaks to him., that it opens a dialogue about the amazing forgiveness bought on the cross for us.

Of course, forgiving someone who has hurt you deeply is no easy thing. I do not mean to make it sound so. It is hard, it takes time, and sometimes, being human many repetitions as old hurts rise in memory. Forgiveness comes at a price, but a price worth paying.
What is your story of forgiveness?

Approximately every minute of every day, someone in Canada needs blood. In fact, according to a recent poll, 52 per cent of Canadians say they, or a family member, have needed blood or blood products for surgery or for medical treatment.

The good news is that one blood donation - in just one hour - can save up to three lives.

I've been a blood donor for many years now-in fact today marked donation #47. I first donated at a mobile clinic just for something to do, and quickly became a regular donor. It costs me an hour of my time (an hour I get to just sit and do nothing, no less!) and I walk away knowing I have done something good.

Thankfully I have never needed to receive blood, but I have loved ones who have.

Yesterday I received some painful news about my mother's health, so today's donation was especially meaningful. It is a small thing I can do.

In Genesis, when Cain murdered his brother Abel God said his blood cried out to Him from the ground. Cain asked the eternal question; "Am I my brother's keeper?" I would say, yes, yes we are our brothers' keepers, and just maybe the world would be a better place if we all were accountable to one another.

The blood in my veins carries DNA from both my parents, I am who I am, at least physically, because of the two of them. I am who I am otherwise because Jesus shed His blood for me.

Like breathing, we rarely consider the beating of our hearts, pumping blood through our veins and arteries, a process begun long before we ever took our first breath. Amazing stuff, blood is, carrying our genetic code, making us unique, necessary for life. The little I donated this afternoon will quickly be replenished by my body. I have to pause & wonder, after so many donations, how many souls have a little bit of me coursing through their veins? That small thing connects us somehow, I think.
Consider taking an hour and donating...you never know whose life you may save.

Leviticus 17:11 reads:
For the life of a creature is in the blood, and I have given it to you to make atonement for yourselves on the altar; it is the blood that makes atonement for one’s life.

(One unit of blood is the equivalent to one donation)

The Agony of Waiting

Three days!

Three days become four, become a week, a month

How long will you make me wait?

“They also serve who only stand and wait”

And waiting has its own harvest

But the days slip like sand through my fingers

Am I greedy wanting more? More of you than memory

Like grit under my fingernails

My heart beats

The clock ticks

Sand falls

Hearts beat

clocks tick

sand falls

The Only Prayer...

If the only prayer you ever say in your whole life is "thank you," that would suffice.

Its interesting...much of my laid-back, low-stress, easy going life has suddenly taken on a breakneck pace ...and I'm not sure I like it. I'm beginning to catch my breath & regain my equilibrium, but change of any sort can be rather difficult for me to cope with. Mostly I like to just "go with the flow", I like to see myself as flexible & easy going, but the truth is I'm really only like that when I feel like I am in control. Some people I hear relish change, they like to move, to change jobs, do whatever they can all to experience something new & exciting. Not me. To me change brings chaos, disruption, and, all too often pain. I am (slowly) learning that not all change is bad, and that embracing new things in my life invites new growth and allows me new opportunities to trust God.
Ah, there's the rub. Its about control & trust. My life is not my own, I have been bought with a price. (1 Corinthians 6:19-20) Doubt and fear and uncertainty crowded my mind this morning as I was trying to pray. Am I making the right choices? How much further can I stretch my paycheque? How much further can I stretch myself to do & to be everything every one requires of me? And in all of this is there still going to be room for ME? For what I want? What I need? All I could do in that moment was cry out to God, to admit once again that I can not do this on my own. I need Him to open and close the right doors, to provide, as He always has, all I need and so much more. I found myself remembering instances of His faithfulness, and I began to feel lighter and easier again.

Part of my morning routine is choosing a positive, funny or provocative quote to use as my FaceBook status for the day. To me it seems like a good forum to shine a little bit of light or encouragement into a difficult world, and to remind myself of what I truly value. The quote I found this morning was; "If the only prayer you ever say in your whole life is "thank you," that would suffice." and I realized as I posted it on my page, that it was in giving thanks, in recalling the blessings in my life, I began to regain my peace.

Sometimes life is hard and complicated. Sometimes I have to try to do more with less. I want to live my life more freely and with less fear. I am trying to make room in my life for new things, new friends. The road ahead is dim & hazy, and I am not sure where I am headed, but I know God will not let me fall out of His grasp. I know I am surrounded by friends and family who love me & will help me forge my path, and will pick me up when I stumble. I may not have everything I want today, but I do have everything I need. The rest will come when the time is right. For now I will simply be thankful for all I do have, and give thanks for the promise of good things yet to come.

Joy Abounds when Fear is Absent

For I know the thoughts that I think toward you, says the LORD, thoughts of peace and not of evil, to give you a future and a hope. (Jeremiah 29:11)

It's kind of funny...you'd think it would be just as easy to write happy as it is to write in sorrow, pain or just pensiveness. And yet, finding myself happy & content I want to gather these feelings close and keep them all to myself, like some secret treasure I can go and gaze at , with that magical thrill of having a secret. Maybe it is just too new and I am afraid sharing it will spoil it or jinx it somehow...and me not at all superstitious (but don't you think we all have our little "superstitions"?) And maybe a part of me is afraid to just enjoy this happiness, fearful that if I settle into it it will be snatched away like so many of the good things in my life have been.
Wait. As I wrote that I recognized the lie in it. Just as much as I, a fallible, human parent, want my children to be happy and have good things in their lives, so too, God, my eternal and perfect Father, wants me to be happy and have good things in my life. Just as I hurt when my children are unhappy or have those good things taken unjustly from them (or even when the loss is due to their own foolish behaviour) so too He grieves when the pleasures of my life are lost or stolen.
I know, and am beginning to see, the return of all that has been stolen from me. After Job had interceded for his friends, God restored his fortune—and then doubled it! ... God blessed Job's later life even more than his earlier life. (Job 42:10, 12)
I have always had an affinity for the book of Job, although I think it is the poetry of it that appeals to me most, and yet there is the story-one we can all identify with at some level. Tragedy finds us all, and so will "Job's comforters" , well meaning friends who do little to ease our suffering, but whose words of encouragement are laced with accusations and condemnation. In those moments sometimes all we can do is hold fast to what we know to be true; that we serve a loving and merciful God, and even in pain and tragedy there is purpose.And we know that all things work together for good to those who love God, to those who are the called according to His purpose. (Romans 8:28)

Ah...there I go, wandering away from my original thoughts again. Why do I hesitate to share my happiness, my contentment? I still do not know. Hopefully in coming days I will feel more sure of these new shifts in my life, and being more secure will be more willing to share. I suppose it may be rather like I was with my babies. When I was expecting my oldest son my greatest fear was that his paternal grandfather would take him away to replace my husband, his son in his life (sounds silly today, but the fear was quite real) I found it very difficult to leave him, or his brother, when he arrived, with anyone, but gradually my fear subsided...and then we divorced and custody was awarded to my ex-husband and his new wife. "That which I feared had come upon me..." to paraphrase old Job a little (3:24-26) So when my daughter, surprise & delight that she was, and is, came along I clung emotionally even tighter. I was painfully unwilling to let her go at all, and unfortunately that fear transferred to her, and she was afraid to be apart from me at all. Thankfully we have been largely able to break that and she is now a friendly, open child. In the same way other sources of happiness (not joy, the source of my joy is heaven-sent & I am ever willing to share that) become guarded, and I am fearful of sharing them lest some evil thing see that I am well & truly content & try to rob me of that thing. My, that sounds silly here in black & white. Oh well. I read somewhere recently to "put yourself on view, this brings your talent to light". Don't know about the talent thing, but I am definitely putting myself on view, and making a grand attempt to live, and write, without fear, knowing joy abounds where fear is absent. I think it is long past time to let myself be happy and enjoy it, however fleeting it may be.

Someone, take the Wheel!

I am driving down a mountain highway. At first I am a little tense, due to a minor verbal altercation on the phone, but as I drive and put time and distance between me and the incident I relax and am enjoying the scenery, lost in my thoughts. I am enjoying the drive, but I am driving with a purpose. It is not clear where I am headed, but I do know there is somewhere I need to be. Still there is no rush, no real urgency.

Then I look up and see a semi truck bearing down on me. I speed up a little, but he stays right behind me. I can see the driver glowering at me in the mirror and I realize he is the person I had the altercation with earlier. I increase my speed a bit more, but he pulls out beside me as though he plans to try and force me off the road. I refuse to meet his gaze and keep my eyes fixed on the road ahead. I am driving faster and faster, hand gripping the wheel, willing myself to stay calm.
Then suddenly I see another rig barreling up the highway in the opposite direction. I am just ahead of my pursuer, and I steel myself for the sound of the crash that must be inevitable, but it never comes. I glance again into the rear view mirror. Neither truck is to be seen. My grip relaxes a bit, I feel the tension leave my body. But my car continues to accelerate. I am going faster and faster, the landscape is becoming a blur. I am not even sure, although my my hands are still on the wheel, that I am still in control of the car. Despite this rapidly increasing pace I am not afraid-terrified and exhilarated, but oddly safe feeling.

It is at this moment, my heart racing in some weird combination of excitement & terror (I don't like roller coasters, but maybe that's what the thrill is like) I wake up. For those of you who have been following, this crazy ride down the mountain was part three of the dream that opened with me working in my wedding finery. (I'm no longer dressed for a celebration, by the way, but in jeans & a t-shirt, much more my style)

I've spent the past couple of days trying to sort out the meaning of my wild ride. Near as I can figure, that's just how life gets sometimes. We go about the business of living, and our lives seem calm and well ordered, and then look up and discover our nemesis breathing down our necks. We can not escape him, try as we might, but have to trust an unseen force, Holy Spirit, to take control and take the wheel. When we do, the ride may get even wilder, but we can rest & know we are utterly safe.