Forgive

One of my Facebook friends posted this picture earlier today. At first glance I thought it was a lovely sentiment, I think forgiveness is a most wonderful thing, but a split second later I shook my head & read it again. I chose not to comment & stir up controversy, but I have to disagree. There are as many people I have forgiven because I don't want them in my life, or in my head, any more. Carrying unforgiveness, or a grudge, it has been said, is like letting the person who wronged you rent space in your head for free. And that's just crazy.
I know I have addressed the issue of forgiveness here before, but since today starts a new year, and for many of us the promise of a clean slate, forgiveness seems an apt topic.
Recently I tried to explain to family members how I could possibly forgive my first husband, how I could face him in various social situations, deal with him on a regular basis. (Let me point out our marriage ended for a lot of reasons, and I am not completely blameless, but the final straw was his infidelity) My sister commented, as she has before, she supposed it got easier having had to deal with him over the years. The truth of it is, though, I forgave him for myself. I explained I came to a place where I knew I had two choices. I could let the anger & bitterness eat me alive or I could forgive him & move on. I said I didn't like the woman looking back at me in the mirror anymore, so I chose forgiveness. It was by far one of the most difficult things I have ever had to do, and it took a long time. But now, when I run into him, as I do from time to time, in a community this small, it is his discomfort I am aware of, not mine.

I was sharing some of this with a friend over coffee recently and she commented, having walked through much of this with me, as well as travelling a similar path herself, that many people don't really understand forgiveness. She was right. We talk about forgiveness, especially in the church community, and most of us can grasp, to a degree anyway, God's amazing forgiveness of us. But until you are actually faced with the need to forgive someone who has grievously wronged you it is a hard thing to truly understand.

Forgiveness, though is deeper still than that. If you read my post yesterday, you may have surmised someone close to me wounded me, albeit unintentionally. I was still stinging a little this morning, but I thought I had left it behind already. Another wise friend (what remarkable women & men I have been blessed to have in my life) saw the hurt as I recounted my story and reminded me to recognize the lies I heard (not what was said, but the lie in my head that made it hurt-that I am not good enough, I don't measure up & that I don't deserve the things that bring my pleasure) and seek the truth (I am good enough & I am worthy of happiness, the things that bring me joy are valid & valuable) and then to FORGIVE.
I did. And the weight in my heart lifted.

Please, don't misunderstand me. Truly forgiving is not easy, and it is not something that can just be spoken. Like saying "I love you", it must be felt with the heart or it is meaningless.
Neither does forgiving mean forgetting, despite the old saw "forgive & forget". Forgiving doesn't negate the wrong, it does not say it never happened or didn't matter. What it says is that I have chosen to be unshackled, to not let that moment, those words, that act, tie me to the past or to the hurt.

My Facebook friend is not wrong about forgiving the people you want to keep in your life. But she only has half the story. Forgiveness sets us free to live, to love, to move forward instead of staying mired in the wrong done to us. It is hugely powerful, allowing us to completely sever the thing that ties us to someone who wronged us.

As we take our first steps into this new year I ask you, who do you need to forgive? And who do you need to seek forgiveness from?

Beware the Hippopotami

I had a most unusual dream the other night. In it my daughter & I, and the man I am seeing were on a vacation at a beautiful lake. I am not sure where we were, although something in me says we were in Ontario. The water was clear & reflected an endless blue sky, there were lots of trees and the shore line was both rough rocky outcroppings & lovely sandy beaches. I floated peacefully alone in the water in an inner tube, the sun warm on my skin, the water lapping gently around me. Every fiber of my being was at peace, content, basking in quiet solitude. I looked around occasionally, to make sure I had not drifted to far, to ensure my daughter was safe, and when I did I suddenly noticed in the water around me were alligators & hippos. I had a flash of concern, but realized as quickly they were not at all threatening. It's funny that even in my dream I recognized the incongruity of it all. Eventually I paddled over to where my daughter had been playing in the sand & water, she was collecting her things, and I asked her why. She told me everyone had be instructed to leave the water, and looking about I could see that it was true. I took her hand & we went in to change.
There was a children's activity organized & my daughter asked my friend to join her. I watched them for awhile, my heart full of affection, my eyes tearing with happiness. And then I saw the pair of them coming to join me, smiling as they approached me, and my heart was full & content.

When I woke I wondered still at the vaguely threatening creatures, even as I still felt that joy & contentment of the final picture. I wondered if they were not some unseen or unspoken threat to my relationship, or if I was choosing to ignore some danger in my life. But none of that seemed to quite fit. Later that day I had tea with a friend, and shared the dream with her. She commented, after encouraging me to keep seeking my own answer from Holy Spirit, that she saw it as God saying what ever risk or threat, real, or imagined , He had me, I was safe, covered. She reminded me that sometimes when things in life seem to be good & going according to "plan" we tend to think it may be too good to be true, and start wondering if we deserve it, begin looking for the thing that will mess up our happiness, especially when we have suffered years of false starts, thwarted and broken dreams, and disappointments.

My life is far from perfect...but that said, it is good. I have found a greater measure of peace in this past year, and renewed joy. I have begun to believe in & pursue my dreams again, and have opened my heart again to the possibility of love. Today is the last day of the year and I have been, over the past few days marveling at what has transpired, and allowing myself to hope for greater things in the coming year.
And then, hiding in the calm shadows along the bank, the great jaws of criticism and disapproval snapped at me. And the violent swirling tail of loneliness almost upended my little raft. And out of the blue sky poured icy rain of hurt feelings, anger at being misunderstood, disappointment and doubt.
I allowed myself the hurt, wept a few tears, sent a text to a friend seeking a little comfort, and then the pieces started to fit. I can float tranquil in my life, and there will be threats to that tranquility, but in the end I can gather my loved ones to me and all will be well again. My peace & well being do not rest in others, but in God. If he can shut the mouths of the lions for Daniel, he can keep the alligators & hippopotamuses from upending my boat and eating me alive too.

I hope to be more faithful in writing this coming year, and that I am not distracted by the alligators along the shore.

Hidden Treasures

Tears & laughter

Sorrow & joy

Hope, pain

Dreams & disappointments

Poured into this poor vessel

Tamped down & set aside,

Forgotten,

left to gather dust

You came, saw the glint of hidden treasure

Brushed aside cobwebs,

blew away the dust

Examined the vintage

uncorked the bottle

Inhaled the heady fragrance

Savoured that first taste

Poured out ruby richness

Set free the genius of the vintner.

Drink deep He murmurs;

speak your wishes
It is my heart's desire to grant you more,
Oh, so much More.

Sing you love song over me...

Was ever a heart so full

as mine, when I am with you?

Your gentle touch a healing balm

to hidden, broken places

whispered words cry out

into

eternal skies

Every star a wish made

a hope answered.

Every colour in the dawn a pale reflection

my delight in you.

Sing your song over me,

Let me sing mine to you

May our songs create

new harmonies

rising like the wind

to dance among the clouds.

Among all men on the earth bards have a share of honor and reverence, because the muse has taught them songs and loves the race of bards.

Homer

Sometimes the road we are on gets long & hard, and we may begin to wonder if we are getting any where, if there is a proverbial light at the end of the tunnel. In fact, some days we may even wonder if the light we see at the end of the tunnel is actually oncoming traffic. It is in those moments we need to step aside and take a rest. Allow ourselves to bask in the love that is our to hold, the love of friends, the love of that one special someone, most especially in the unequalled love of God. Listen for the love song. It is all around you.

The Sun Will Always Rise

I bow my head in the pelting rain, the driving wind

to passers-by I seem a blossom crushed

but the storm will pass

the sun will rise again

and I will lift my face anew to seek its warmth

Though bent I am not broken,

Battered I am still strong.

Come the dawn I will stand tall again

and the kiss of sun will dry the tears of rain.


It has been, again, an interesting few days. Nothing all that unusual has happened, life goes on, good, bad & indifferent, and yet I have had that awful, nagging feeling the other shoe is about to drop. I know that feeling is a lie. I know God had good things stored up for me, and when bad things happen, as they are wont to do, He is there, more than able to pick up the pieces and turn every evil thing into something wonderful.
But sometimes knowing these things, even believing these things isn't enough. We need reassurance that all will be well. And for me, perhaps it is merely too much change too all at once, or perhaps that old fear, the old lie, that things are too good, my happiness, my contentment is undeserved, and it will be snatched away. It is one of the reasons even still I hesitate to make plans for the future, or to dare hope things might get even better-the fear of being let down, disappointed.
I wept as a prayed this morning, feeling frustrated, alone, abandoned (all lies). I confessed to being afraid, of being a hypocrite, speaking boldly about living my life without fear, quaking in terror with every step outside my safe little box. I have been reading the book of Job again (always a favourite of mine, if only for the wonderful poetry, but I do love the tale of Job's redemption & restoration) and something caught my attention yesterday...even in the midst of his laments, his bemoaning the situation he finds himself in & defending himself to his so-called friends Job still manages to speak words of hope & praise. I wonder if those words weren't spoken sometimes wryly, or if like me, Job didn't speak out words of affirmation, hope & praise with tears choking him, refusing, despite all emotional evidence to the contrary, to let go of what he knew to be true.
My tears were short-lived. Not only do I not have time for much self-pity or navel-gazing (but oh how I long for a day alone, away from my every day life for watching the clouds roll by) but I was quickly reminded of all the things I have already come through, most much worse than these few disappointments, and of all Holy Spirit has shown me, spoken to me. Life is good, the days are still filled with promise. The sun is shining brightly today and my life is filled to overflowing with blessings.

How Deep are My Roots?

Stretching limbs

Toward Heaven;

A cloudless summer sky

River clear and sparkling,

Ribbon of song

Storm clouds threaten,

The laughing river

Swells

A raging torrent;

The song now an angry roar

In the midst of this

The tree stands firm

Roots deep beneath the floodplain

Unmoved

Stretching Heavenward

Only kissed by rain.


Are you the tree, firmly rooted, unswayed by the storm? When flood waters rise do you turn your face to heaven, let your tears mingle with the rain but still stand your ground? Or are you swept away by the raging water?
I admit when storm clouds gather my heart quails a little, when the river starts to rise I feel my knees buckle at the force of the rushing water. Not so very long ago I would have been caught in a panic in the storm, frantically throwing out lifelines, trying to secure myself to the shore. But every storm I have weathered has sent my roots deeper into the bedrock of Christ, and I am not so easily shaken.

Eternity in Your Eyes

Alone I stand

open heart, open hands

Eyes blinking at

the startling splendour

of Your light

Heart pounding in my chest

Your voice

resonates

in my bones

Everything, everyone

falls away

Until

There is just You & me.

I see eternity in Your eyes

Feel weightless in Your love.