Breath Again

Behind closed eyes

flashing, glorious light

achingly beautiful,

beyond my poor words

a fleeting dreamscape just beyond my reach

Opened

only
thieving velvet dark

suffocating, deafening,

stunning

I strain once more to breath

in the encompassing

lightless,
             limitless,
                       breathless dark

and there,

just there

a spark

One tiny glimmer

one lonely candle flicker

shatters the dark

Silence lifts, song begins anew

and the whisper of your voice cuts through the black

my heart begins again

And I gasp,

       hope opens my lungs to breath again

I've been struggling lately.  There is much to do, and big dreams to chase, but I cannot rouse the ambition for most of it.  I wish I could say why.  At least then I could do battle against that and see some kind of forward momentum.  This is more of an insidious ennui.  I would not go so far as to say I am bored...more like I am tired.  Not sleep deprived, just weary.  Maybe it's the season.  Don't get me wrong, I love Christmas-every last strand of tinsel, but there is something in the forced gaiety, the temporary "goodwill toward men" that will soon be forgotten (largely, thankfully I know many people who hold the spirit of Christmas throughout the year) that underlines my solitude and my personal struggles.  But, honestly that's not quite it either.  I am an introvert, a check every box on the list, dyed in the wool, introvert.  I embrace my solitude most of the time.  I am likely to turn down most invitations...but having an invitation to turn down might be nice.


I'm grasping at straws to explain how I'm feeling, but there is no easy answer.  It is what it is.  Soon enough, in God's good timing the clouds will part and I will feel better, more hopeful.