"I am where I need to be?" The words were a question, as much as a statement to calm my (briefly) panicked heart, to my friend and passenger. We were headed home from a show at a nearby town and the weather had taken another turn- I swear these last few weeks feel like winter has hoarded the snow for the whole of its season and now feels the need to unload it all before finally completely giving way to spring.
We had been weathering a second nasty spring storm and I spent two days watching the forecast and road reports before deciding we would make the 65 km drive to Fort Macleod's historic Empress Theatre (one of my favorite venues for live performances). The drive there was ok, the roads were snow covered, but passable, with some extra caution. But it snowed the whole time we were in the theatre. This meant fresh, loose snow, which was fine, until a semi flew by, kicking up that snow and leaving me blind for a long enough moment to hesitate. This happened several times, without serious incident, until I asked that question - as when the last cloud had settled I saw I was headed for a snow bank and the ditch between the east and west lanes of traffic. I breathed a prayer of thanks that we were still on the highway, and steered back into the lane. Then I asked my companion, "I am where I need to be?" She confirmed my statement and we continued on. The remainder of the drive was uneventful, and we all arrived home safe and sound.
Several days after that incident I was watching the stars come out, as I try to do most evenings, letting my mind wander and process how I'm feeling, things that have happened, just the "stuff" of life. I'm not given to overthinking, but I do like to take time to review and assess, to listen for that "still, small voice" that is so often drowned out by the noise of everyday life. It was in those moments this question came back to me on a much deeper level. Am I where I need to be? I like to think that I am, that I was set in the job I have, among the people - friends, clients, colleagues, I interact with day by day, for a purpose. I have said that I believe I have walked through the things I have walked through, for a purpose, to allow me to say to those walking similar paths, that there is a way, hold fast and keep moving forward, so that YOU can in turn light the way.
And then I wondered about it more. I still believe all that, I do, and yet, lately I've been feeling a little lost and alone, even invisible. My world is shifting again, as my daughter prepares to leave home for the first time (months away yet, but only a moment too). The last time I met with my girlfriend group I felt desperately outside the circle. That is likely more about me than them, being a few years older, with very divergent tastes and hobbies, but that's a story for another time. I will say, that not for the first time, as I drove home though I wondered if I were outgrowing them.
Am I where I need to be? I like my job, believe in what we do, I consider several of my coworkers friends. I am content and active in my church. My children are grown, becoming successful adults, so I can rest in a job well done. It is not yet time to take on the mantle of Grandmother. And I like who I am. I generally enjoy my solitude, even as I look with some trepidation about facing the next phase of my life alone - only because I don't easily make friends and I am quite uncomfortable in large groups of people. My son teases me that once my daughter leaves home I'll just get another cat! Cats suit me - quiet and solitary, independent but affectionate (on their own terms).
I am where I need to be. The Great I AM has laid my path before me, He has led me through storms and deserts before and he will again. I trust there will be an oasis around the next bend in the road if I will only trust the guide book. I've been trying to walk on water since I was a kid, and one day I will.
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