Forgiving myself

If you've been following this at all you have probably guessed it's been a rough week (and its only Wednesday!). I woke up this morning still in a bit of a funk, although that may be partly attributed to a highway crew doing something involving a bobcat, noisy truck and flashing lights behind my house at 4:00 this morning. Nonetheless I was still feeling grumpy and sorrowful and mad at myself for being so upset about the end of something that never even really started.
It wasn't until I was in the shower (one of those places I seem to have lots of insights, for some reason) that I realized what, at least in part, the problem was. I needed to forgive myself. Yup, Myself. It's likely I still have some forgiving to do with regard to the other party in this foolish debacle too, but right now it's me I am kicking the hardest.
It's funny how we preach enthusiastically the need to forgive those who have wronged us but we so often neglect to forgive ourselves for whatever perceived wrongs we continue to batter ourselves over. If my friend were beating herself up for letting herself believe in the hope & possibility of loving and being in love, for daring to dream I would tell her she had done nothing wrong. She had been brave enough to dream, to put her heart on the line with the chance she might get hurt again. I would tell her she was wonderful, and beautiful and so worth being loved, that her hopes and dreams were good and should be pursued. But it is not my friend who is taking the lash of shame and self-pity to herself, it is me.
And I am really good at beating myself up. Really good, so good, in fact, I barely realize I am at it again. And I wish I weren't.
Forgiveness is a tough thing at the best of times. Maybe you've never struggled with forgiving someone who has really hurt or wronged you, maybe you never forgave them at all but just closed that part of your heart and walked away. I think sometimes we equate forgiving with forgetting, or believe somehow that forgiving someone gives them a "pass". Forgiving, though doesn't mean what was done was right or doesn't matter. It is a strange paradox of sorts, forgiving someone set you free. The amazing thing is it gets easier.
I'm hoping to discover this is true of forgiving myself too.

So I stood there, in the shower, hot water sluicing down my back and I began to speak words of forgiveness. I let the water wash away a little more of the pain and the shame and I felt better when I looked in the mirror a little while later. And I know I will revisit these feelings again, and again. It may not be a broken relationship (or an imagined one) next time...it is just a likely to be some other personally perceived failure, but I am finally learning to recognize what I am doing and take a stand against it quickly.
I'm hoping tomorrow will start with anticipation, or at least a dream I'd like to return to.

Who do you need to forgive today? Are you on the list? And I promise, tomorrow I'll move on to new subject matter.