Desperare

I knew it had been a while since I last wrote, but I hadn't realized just how long.  For shame. Last week I was down with the flu, a nasty bug that laid me out for several days.  I don't generally get sick, (who has time, after all?) but when I do I do it thoroughly.  UGH.
As something of a bonus to it all though was a revelation of just how independent and grown up my little girl is getting.  She fussed over me, bringing me tea and ginger ale, but most valuably, managed her own meals (yes, we did have plenty of leftovers in the fridge), got herself ready for school, did the dishes and helped keep the house (somewhat) tidy.  I was so proud of her, and a little sad too, to realize just how quickly the time is flying by.  That said, she went right back to her usual self as soon as I showed reasonable recovery.
Besides being sick it was a pretty tough week generally.  I'm still job hunting, but the market is not looking promising.  I've been on several interviews, all have come to naught.  Makes one wonder just what they are looking for.  I know I'm, well, let's just say, "experienced" (read: not 25), I am a single parent, but I have an amazing back up team....I also know I can be stubborn, uncompromising and opinionated, but I choose to see that as dedicated, confident and true to my own ethical standard.   But I do digress.
Peter had to go north again too, indefinitely.  Work in his field is scarce too.  I'm not the kind of woman to think I need a man, I manage quite well on my own, but I do need him.  I miss him, and I miss having a partner and companion.  And I miss being kissed goodnight.
One night not long after his departure I was just drifting off to sleep, needing desperately to be held and told it was all going to be okay when I saw a picture in my mind's eye, of a woman, standing alone on a high hill, the wind whipping her hair and clothes about her.  She looked so lost.
I was too tired to get up and find a notebook, but I knew the image would still be there in the morning, waiting for the words.

Desperare

I can see her there,

spine determinedly straight

fists clenched....

           fear or fury?

Silhouette pale in a moonless night

Standing so close to the cliff edge,

peering into the abyss

stones break free and clatter to the raging surf

She staggers back,

            half a step only,

tips her head back searching, sightless

One broken, lonely sob shudders from her taut throat

And I,

          I shiver in the bitter wind

You see me standing tall, smiling...

Look again.

See me curled up, foetal on the stones

weeping tears that will not fall

I can see her still standing there,

unaware

feeling abandoned and lost;

He approaches, unpinning his cloak as he strides near

 wrapping its length about her,

warm from his body,

Leaning in,

stroking tangled hair, kissing away bitter tears.

And the iron rod in my back unbends and curls into you

Carry me, broken, cold and bleeding

Home

          tend my wounds,

                           give me rest,

                                          love me again.

There is a purpose to all of this:

The storm, the fear, the rescue.

I know I will rise to fight again,

you will hone my sword yourself;

restore it to my hand,

a kiss of blessing on my brow, your promise in my ear.

I knew the woman I saw was me.  I could feel her ache, wanting to break, needing to stay strong.  I want to shake my fist at heaven and ask when it is going to be my turn?  Seems like just when things get somewhat comfortable the bottom drops out on me.  I know there is always a purpose and a lesson, that one day I will look back and it will all make sense.  Soon, Lord, soon.  I'm tired of starting over....