Spreading my Wings

I was thinking this morning about a line in an old chorus "Put on the garment of praise for the spirit of heaviness..." I'm not quite sure what brought it to mind. I had been going over the events of this past weekend, and I got to thinking about how I used to wear my hurt and anger like a coat of armour, and how vulnerable I felt without its protection. I wore it for years, keeping everyone at arm's length.
When I wasn't clad in my spiked armour I wrapped myself in a cloak of invisibility. It was equally comfortable-I felt no one saw me, I was the girl who wasn't there. In fact, in time, this particular garment became so familiar I forgot I wore it. I wonder now just how often I bemoaned my invisible state to my friends. I felt ignored, unseen, insignificant. I didn't even realize I had begun to consistently present myself in metaphoric clothing designed to keep everyone at bay.

Finally I have found again, hiding in the back of my closet a forgotten garment...
The Spirit of the Sovereign LORD is on me, because the LORD has anointed me to proclaim good news to the poor. He has sent me to bind up the brokenhearted, to proclaim freedom for the captives and release from darkness for the prisoners, ² to proclaim the year of the LORD’s favor and the day of vengeance of our God, to comfort all who mourn, ³ and provide for those who grieve in Zion— to bestow on them a crown of beauty instead of ashes, the oil of joy instead of mourning, and a garment of praise instead of a spirit of despair. (Isaiah 61)

How light and lovely this garment is... like finally slipping into a sun dress and sandals after a long winter of sweaters and heavy boots.
A lifetime ago we were singing the chorus I referred to in a Sunday morning service when I glanced up & saw a friend across the room scowling about something. I pulled my scarf out of my coat, walked over, wrapped it around his neck, embraced him and told him I would lend him my "garment of praise" until he could find his again. It was a simple, silly gesture, but it turned the tide for him that day. Several years later I gave another friend a pink pashmina as a birthday gift, with a note to wrap herself in it when she needed a physical reminder of how much she was loved. Not long after that I had a dream about the two of us ministering together at a women's conference and presenting every woman in attendance with a similar scarf embroidered with an appropriate verse, a tangible reminder of our garment of praise or our robe of righteousness. It becomes a choice to physically put something on in this manner, and takes the idea out of the world of metaphor.

It sounds a little trite here, but I considered all of these memories, thoughts and ideas as I stood in worship this morning. I no longer feel invisible, my protective and adversarial armour is stowed away. I feel almost like a butterfly finally emerging from my chrysalis, more like myself than I have in ages. I am ready to take on whatever comes next on this road I am travelling.

What have you clothed yourself in today?

One More Step Forward

Yesterday was a milestone day. My oldest son graduated from high school. It's a little hard to accept, that my sweet baby boy is a man grown, ready to take the world by storm. I can not begin to express how proud I am of him and of the man he has become. It was a step forward, into the future and away from the past for both of us.

Before the commencement exercises though there was a dinner for the graduands and their families. I have to say that meal was a testament to grace and forgiveness. My son's dad and I divorced some 15 years ago, and he has been married to the woman he replaced me with for most of that time. For several years our relationship was, combative, at best. I tend to deal with hurt and with uncomfortable situations with sarcasm, and often with sniping. And I knew this dinner was very likely to be uncomfortable. Preparing for it however I had no trepidation, no nerves. (Of course, it may have helped that at the last minute Christopher called & told me he had given me the wrong time & dinner was half an hour earlier - I had no time to fret!). I was feeling good about myself. I admit it didn't hurt to sit across from my ex husband and see him looking every one of his years...while I still feel (even if I don't quite look) young-younger now, if fact, than I did then. We talked about nothing in particular, like old friends catching up. My only discomfort was in not knowing anyone else, so until we sat for dinner I was pretty much on my own, which I don't like in any venue. I felt some regret in not knowing my son's friends, except through his stories and Face Book page, but I feel good about the strength of our relationship.

But Forgiveness. That's where I was going... I have known, since our separation, that this day would come. That there would be graduations, weddings, baptisms-all manner of significant events in these boys' lives we would need to get through together. And I knew we had a choice in how we faced it. I remember struggling, years ago, with the understanding that I needed to forgive this man for hurting me so, but I didn't know how. I asked my pastor at the time, and, I admit, his advice perplexed and dismayed me. "Just leave it on the back burner", he said. I wanted a formula, a prayer, STEPS to take. I wanted the pain to stop & I wanted to move forward, unfettered from him finally. But, in a way, I did take his advice. With no answer, nothing to DO to make this happen, I went on putting one foot in front of the other, living my life as best I could. The day came when I realized I had forgiven him, but it was slow & subtle, not a single momentous event. Have I forgotten what he did? No. Have I forgotten how much it hurt, how awful it was? Not at all. But talking about it now is almost like talking about someone else. Forgiving was something I desired, but in my wounded state I could not create. I had to give God time to heal my broken heart, and mended I was strong enough to chose the path to freedom.
There are still people I am working toward forgiving-by no means do I have this all figured out. But I have seen forgiveness and mercy walked out in my life, and so I keep on, setting aside former wrongs, asking for healing in my heart, choosing love over bitterness.

Forgiving myself

If you've been following this at all you have probably guessed it's been a rough week (and its only Wednesday!). I woke up this morning still in a bit of a funk, although that may be partly attributed to a highway crew doing something involving a bobcat, noisy truck and flashing lights behind my house at 4:00 this morning. Nonetheless I was still feeling grumpy and sorrowful and mad at myself for being so upset about the end of something that never even really started.
It wasn't until I was in the shower (one of those places I seem to have lots of insights, for some reason) that I realized what, at least in part, the problem was. I needed to forgive myself. Yup, Myself. It's likely I still have some forgiving to do with regard to the other party in this foolish debacle too, but right now it's me I am kicking the hardest.
It's funny how we preach enthusiastically the need to forgive those who have wronged us but we so often neglect to forgive ourselves for whatever perceived wrongs we continue to batter ourselves over. If my friend were beating herself up for letting herself believe in the hope & possibility of loving and being in love, for daring to dream I would tell her she had done nothing wrong. She had been brave enough to dream, to put her heart on the line with the chance she might get hurt again. I would tell her she was wonderful, and beautiful and so worth being loved, that her hopes and dreams were good and should be pursued. But it is not my friend who is taking the lash of shame and self-pity to herself, it is me.
And I am really good at beating myself up. Really good, so good, in fact, I barely realize I am at it again. And I wish I weren't.
Forgiveness is a tough thing at the best of times. Maybe you've never struggled with forgiving someone who has really hurt or wronged you, maybe you never forgave them at all but just closed that part of your heart and walked away. I think sometimes we equate forgiving with forgetting, or believe somehow that forgiving someone gives them a "pass". Forgiving, though doesn't mean what was done was right or doesn't matter. It is a strange paradox of sorts, forgiving someone set you free. The amazing thing is it gets easier.
I'm hoping to discover this is true of forgiving myself too.

So I stood there, in the shower, hot water sluicing down my back and I began to speak words of forgiveness. I let the water wash away a little more of the pain and the shame and I felt better when I looked in the mirror a little while later. And I know I will revisit these feelings again, and again. It may not be a broken relationship (or an imagined one) next time...it is just a likely to be some other personally perceived failure, but I am finally learning to recognize what I am doing and take a stand against it quickly.
I'm hoping tomorrow will start with anticipation, or at least a dream I'd like to return to.

Who do you need to forgive today? Are you on the list? And I promise, tomorrow I'll move on to new subject matter.

And one more thing...Arguing with a closed door

When I finished writing and posting yesterday's blog I had that nagging feeling it was not quite done, but I had, in that moment run out of words. There seemed nothing left to say, and I questioned my own sanity in laying my foolishness out for all to see, because besides hurt and angry, foolish is how I was really feeling. I wondered what it was about me that seems to attract damaged or emotionally unavailable men. I made myself toss those thoughts aside to avoid more flagellation. It was done....although I still have to keep pushing away the fantasy of him coming back to me, realizing what he had lost finally. (Mind you it's a fantasy I harbour about every man I've been rejected by or have rejected).
But, back to that nagging feeling- I knew there was more to be said, I just didn't know what. And then it came to me. In the midst of my prayers, pouring out my woe and self-pity my heart was reminded of a dream I had months ago. Finally it made more sense. Dreams are funny like that.
When I had this dream I had been emailing a man who was living in Edinburgh but was supposed to be moving to Calgary in the near future. It was a lovely little fantasy. He seemed kind and charming, said all the right things... and then he too began to drift away. The excuses were different, but were excuses nonetheless. But that's all irrelevant now.
In the dream I decided I had had enough of waiting for this man to finally come, so I flew to Edinburgh to find him. Mid-flight I realized I had no idea where he was staying, I didn't even know the name of the company he worked for-but I figured I'd land and figure it out from there. (Ah, the logic of the dream world) Arriving in Edinburgh I began to inquire at various hotels, since he had said he had given up his apartment in anticipation of his move, and airfields. Finally, exhausted I walked into one more office, and the receptionist seemed to recognize my photo. She asked me to sit & went to ask someone else what they knew. I fell asleep there, waiting, but I could hear their voices-some angry, some demanding, there was talk of money, withheld funds, of compensation for oversights and inconvenience. And then I had that distinct feeling someone was looking at me. I roused myself from my sleep and found myself blinking with amazement-it was him, the man I had been seeking, standing right in front of me!
I don't remember much more from that dream, but it did fill me with hope. That particular relationship died as quickly as it began, and I moved on with my life.
And then this happened. I think the dream was supposed to show me that seeking out the promises I have been given on my own is futile, something akin to finding the proverbial needle in a haystack, but that if I will just wait, and rest, He will bring the fulfillment of those promises to me.
So here I am, heart on the mend again, telling myself I can just rest in His presence and trust in His faithfulness to keep His promises to me. I know I can not bring any of them about in my own strength, and I know that, in time I will grow frustrated in waiting and will try to make things fit into my schedule.
And if I needed more proof that God knows my wayward thoughts, Psalm 73 was one of my devotional readings this morning. How often have I felt like this, like everyone else was invited to the party & I was left outside, nose pressed up against the glass?

¹ Surely God is good to Israel,
to those who are pure in heart.

² But as for me, my feet had almost slipped;
I had nearly lost my foothold.
³ For I envied the arrogant
when I saw the prosperity of the wicked.

⁴ They have no struggles;
their bodies are healthy and strong.
⁵ They are free from common human burdens;
they are not plagued by human ills.
⁶ Therefore pride is their necklace;
they clothe themselves with violence.
⁷ From their callous hearts comes iniquity;
their evil imaginations have no limits.
⁸ They scoff, and speak with malice;
with arrogance they threaten oppression.
⁹ Their mouths lay claim to heaven,
and their tongues take possession of the earth.
¹⁰ Therefore their people turn to them
and drink up waters in abundance.
¹¹ They say, “How would God know?
Does the Most High know anything?”

¹² This is what the wicked are like—
always free of care, they go on amassing wealth.

¹³ Surely in vain I have kept my heart pure
and have washed my hands in innocence.
¹⁴ All day long I have been afflicted,
and every morning brings new punishments.

¹⁵ If I had spoken out like that,
I would have betrayed your children.
¹⁶ When I tried to understand all this,
it troubled me deeply
¹⁷ till I entered the sanctuary of God;
then I understood their final destiny.

¹⁸ Surely you place them on slippery ground;
you cast them down to ruin.
¹⁹ How suddenly are they destroyed,
completely swept away by terrors!
²⁰ They are like a dream when one awakes;
when you arise, Lord,
you will despise them as fantasies.

²¹ When my heart was grieved
and my spirit embittered,
²² I was senseless and ignorant;
I was a brute beast before you.

²³ Yet I am always with you;
you hold me by my right hand.
²⁴ You guide me with your counsel,
and afterward you will take me into glory.
²⁵ Whom have I in heaven but you?
And earth has nothing I desire besides you.
²⁶ My flesh and my heart may fail,
but God is the strength of my heart
and my portion forever.

²⁷ Those who are far from you will perish;
you destroy all who are unfaithful to you.
²⁸ But as for me, it is good to be near God.
I have made the Sovereign LORD my refuge;
I will tell of all your deeds.

And like David, at the end of it all I come to recognize what else do I have? My Father knows the secret, and the not so secret desires of my heart. He knows what I need, and better than I do He knows when I am best prepared to take hold of what He has planned for me.

Now, if I can just keep myself from staring too long at that closed door...

When God closes a door get your fingers out of the way

I learned a painful lesson yesterday. One you might think I should have learned a long time ago. but, if I haven't said it before, let me say it now-I am rather willful & stubborn, which means I have to learn most lessons the hard way...
I'm sure you have heard the old saw-"be careful what you wish for"? Yesterday I learned its corollary; "when you ask God to close a door make sure your fingers aren't still trying to keep it open." Ouch.
If you follow this blog at all you likely know I am a single woman, and while I mostly enjoy my single status (I never have to share the remote or closet space, or explain why I need another pair of shoes) I do get lonely and long for someone to share my life with.
I believe God has a perfect mate out there, somewhere, just for me, but I get impatient & tired of waiting occasionally. That said, I confess I filled out a profile on a dating website, mostly just out of curiosity. Not long ago I began corresponding and chatting on line with someone I met through this site. He seemed to be a lovely, gentle and sincere man, but very cautious about letting me into his life. I accepted his shyness, and having been hurt myself understood his fear of getting hurt again. Going slowly, building a friendship was fine with me. I wanted a companion more than anything else, and he made me laugh.
We talked often, and I began to look forward to his phone calls. I teased him about his unwillingness to share his phone number with me or to meet with me to spend an afternoon with me while my daughter was with her dad, but as time wore on I really began to wonder what was going on.
Anyway, the biggest drawback really was that he was not a believer. I prayed often for him, we spoke openly about my beliefs and the importance of my relationship with God. And as I felt my heart being drawn to him I began to ask that if this was not something I ought to pursue God would firmly shut the door.
My friend began to drift, but I continued to email as if all were well, he offered excuses-hard news about his dad's health, his ex contacting him with a mind to working things out. I offered my sympathetic concern and best wishes for him and his ex, to which he replied there was no future with her, but he wanted to maintain friendly. But he continued to drift and stubborn, hopeful me continued to pursue, and to pray for a closed door.
After almost a week's silence I received a one sentence email with "busyness" as an excuse. I called him on it, I knew he was available to other friends. I pointed out I was frustrated with the lopsidedness of our relationship, laid my cards on the table, as it were.

And the door slammed shut on my fingers. YEOUCH! God had shut that door repeatedly, I insisted on prying it open again & again. I knew I was going to get hurt, but I wanted to believe, desperately I was irresistible, desirable and worth fighting for, even as a friend. Turns out I was wrong. Lesson learned.
I still want to find that someone...the hardest thing to deal with today, in the aftermath was my little girl asking several times today when "can we get a new dad?" She wants to be loved & cherished too. I told her to keep asking God to bring us a good dad. As for me, I give up. If God wants me to be alone right now, so be it. He is all the friend and lover I need right now, and there is no better daddy for my little girl. Taking matters into my own hands is simply not a good idea-and hopefully next time I be more patient and wait for Him to bring me Mr Right.

My Lovely Garden

My lovely garden-

So carefully nurtured;

Cuttings and seedlings, so many hopes and dreams

Ravaged by violent winds and angry rain

I shook my fist at the storm clouds,

Helpless as what I had tended was swept away.

Only the strongest and best rooted survived;

And in their tenacity would bloom great and unexpected beauty.

The storm clouds fled,

The Sun restored.

And just, there,

Gleaming, shimmering

In the new light,

Long hidden, forgotten treasure

Once buried under my best laid plans.

A couple of years ago, shortly after I sent my second husband packing, I had a strange dream. In it I was at home, having coffee with a very dear friend, when an terrible storm arose. Thunderstorms here cause the gutters to fill quickly, the storm sewers can not keep up, and the water began to rise up over the lawn. My friend suddenly, in a panic, said she needed to get home, gave me a cursory hug and fled (or so it felt).

I stood alone watching the water rise from my window, bitterly thinking; "Fine, leave me here, alone. I don't need your help". My thoughts were angry & self-pitying. I was having hard time dealing with the emotional fallout of being single again. And then in my dream my whole attitude shifted. The water stopped rising & I realized my house was on higher ground, and my thoughts were that I was OK and I would be fine.

I wondered about the dream for several days, and then, finally the pieces fell into place. My ex had been making my life complicated and uncomfortable. He was hurting and angry, and I was bearing the brunt of his pain still. I felt like I had been left to cope with all of this on my own, like I had no one to lean on. And then I heard Holy Spirit tell me my house was on higher ground, my life is planted in The Rock, and I will be OK, all would be well.

Not long after that things settled down with my ex. I re-established ground rules for our communication and refused to get drawn into his drama. And today, when the storm clouds gather & I see the water start to rise I remember that my house is on higher ground.

Coming through the storms of life reveals new treasures, and sometimes has restored old, long forgotten dreams.

What storms have you weathered? What treasure did the rain uncover?

A letter to my son on his 18 birthday

Taking a slightly different tack today. My firstborn turns 18 today...it seems impossible-I look at the handsome boy/man he has become & I still see my little boy. I suppose every parent has a list somewhere of the things they want their children to know before they head off into the world. This is part of mine.

A letter to my son on his 18 birthday.

I know I’ve said it so many times before it must be sounding trite to you, but it really does seem like only yesterday you were a little boy, dragging around you blanket, crawling up into my lap with a story book. I never knew I could love with such intensity before I held you for the first time.

The first time I looked into your eyes I knew you were mine…there could be no doubt, my heart told the tale. How many hours did I watch you sleep, your breathing matching mine? Circumstance may have taken you from me far too soon, but I have striven to remain close, to be your advocate, to influence you to be your own person, to take your place in this world. I have delighted in watching you grow and learn, become the man you are today. I have felt your hurts in my heart, I have longed to be there to comfort you.

I also know that at 18 you think you are grown, that today you are a man. In the eyes of the law, perhaps this is so. In the eyes of your mother you will always, always be my little boy. And I know how much learning and growing there is still to come. Never stop learning. Never stop growing, for it is then that we become old. Choose life, choose joy, choose to do good wherever you can. There will be tears, let yourself weep, in joy and in sorrow, knowing that as the sunrise follows the sunset laughter will follow tears.

I wish I had great words of wisdom to give you, but I have to rest in knowing I did my best to teach you well when I have had the chance. Whatever happens in your life you know I am always here for you, ever your greatest champion. I have always believed you were destined for great things, but the greater the heights you strive for, the greater the heights you reach the further there is to fall. I wish you every success, but I know you will taste failure-let failure be a place of learning, and may every failure make each success sweeter. I desire great things for you, but have tried to not burden you with my hopes and dreams-you need to find your own way, be your own man.

Don’t forget who you are, or where you came from. You are a beloved child of God, entrusted to my care for just a little while. I pray for you always, you are ever in my heart. I do not take a breath without thinking of you. I have been asking Holy Spirit to reveal Himself to you, that you might come to know and desire the things of God-it is in that place you will truly flourish. You are my high flyer.

No one else can make you happy. Your happiness is yours alone-if you look outside yourself to find it you will be disappointed. Be content, always, even as you pursue better things, with what you have. Envy and anger become bitterness and will eat away at you like a cancer in your soul. So will doubt and fear. Trust me in this, and know that these things are insidious. Guard against them. Keep people in your life who know you well and whom you trust to always speak the truth. Weigh what they tell you against your conscience and against the Word of God in your heart. Don’t be afraid to say you were wrong and to change course. Forgive. Always forgive. Forgiveness is not for the one who wronged you but for yourself. It sets you free. Forgiveness does not excuse the wrong done, it does not mean you forget. It is a choice, and you will find, sometimes a difficult one.

Create balance in your life. Work hard at what ever your chosen vocation is, but make room to care for your spirit, to pray & worship, to reflect, to rest. Always have time for your friends, for the people who love you-when life gets hard they will be the ones you can lean on, who will carry you until you are ready to stand on your own again. Find room in every day for the things that give you pleasure-surround yourself with things that make you smile.

And whatever else happens, remember, your mother loves you.