Tomorrow is Mother's Day. Hopefully children of every age will take at least a moment to remember and to honour the women who gave them life and who helped (or are helping) them navigate their way into adulthood.
This is about the "other" side of Motherhood. Being a mom, not having a mom. Thursday morning I will mark the day 18 years ago.my life shifted forever and I took on a whole new identity, I became a mom. I think most mothers are crazy proud of their children, have infinite love for them, and incredible aspirations for them. No one else can fill you, in equal measure, and sometimes in one moment, with such overwhelming joy and such heart-rendering sorrow. No matter how many you have they are all your favourite. It is no small thing to look at these amazing individuals and know God entrusted them to your care and that you will have a part in every thing they do and everything they are. Abraham Lincoln said: "I remember my mother's prayers and they have always followed me. They have clung to me all my life."
My oldest son, is ready to spread his wings and fly the nest. In just two weeks we will celebrate his completion of high school. He is eager to take on the world, to start his adult life. I'm not so ready to let my little boy go. I look at this man-child and still see the little boy who curled up under my arm for a story.
His brother will not be far behind, although two years younger than his brother he will graduate next year, and I will have to watch another baby fly. But I have been letting them go all of their lives. When their dad and I divorced I thought that would be the hardest thing I would suffer, and then a judge decided they were better off living with their dad and step mother. I was sure my heart would break beyond repair. Somehow we weathered that storm and built strong and nurturing relationships in spite of the roadblocks (or perhaps because of them, I really don't know). I feel very close to both of my sons, even though we don't see each other often. I have tried to be available and open to help them face whatever life brings them.
Their sister, my lovely miracle child is only just beginning to realize there is a world and a life without me in it. While her brothers are approaching the end of their school years and looking toward university life, she is just finishing the first grade. And while I have been separate from my sons, the opposite is true for her. It is just the two of us.
I think all of us look for a reflection of ourselves in our children. We hope what we see looking back at us is the best of us, we struggle to make peace when it is not, or is a reflection of someone else (especially hard for those of us who no longer love that other parent). It's hard not to pin our own hopes and forgotten aspirations onto them and to let them find their own dreams. Someone said having kids is like letting your heart walk around outside your body. I never fully appreciated my own mother until I had children of my own. And now I regularly feel like I ought to call her and apologize for all the battles over broccoli and putting down my book long enough to do my chores.
There was a time in my life when I wasn't sure I wanted children. Today I can not imagine my life without them. I still hope to make my mark on the world, I still have dreams for my life, but I know that I have made my mark, three times. I can only hope my children know that I love them beyond measure, there is nothing they could do for that love to cease, and that I am so proud of them. There is no moment when they are far from my thoughts, they are the very beating of my heart.
Thank you, Christopher, thank you, Andrew, thank you, Emily for making me a mom. Thank you, Father God, for giving me these three beautiful gifts.
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