I've been thinking a lot these past few months about dreams; not the lovely sleep induced fantasy type, but the this is what I want to do with my life type. I enjoy reading Jon Acuff's blogs and am looking forward to reading his book "Quitter" in the very near future. Since the start of the year Jon has been challenging his readers to pursue their dreams, offering encouragement and suggestions on how to do just that. I confess I have not actually done what he has suggested, although every step has made sense. I suppose I have fallen prey to excuses, and to fear....what would happen if I succeeded? Or failed, after putting my dream out there?
While boldly conquering fears in other areas of my life this one, today, looms large. In the past I have spoken my dreams aloud and then either been discouraged by well meaning voices of dissent (You can't make a living writing, you need to be practical) or by silent disapproval (all those voices of the past saying you're not good enough, who would want to hear what you have to say? ) Worst of all was changing dreams, or plans, and then for years having to explain the shift. When I was first at university I thought I wanted to pursue a career as a teacher. As things happened it wasn't in the cards, and I changed my goals. I earned my BA and decided to set my dreams aside. The years wore on, my life changed, and as I started looking for work I kept being asked by old acquaintances why I wasn't teaching. Eventually I buried all my dreams and looked simply to surviving.
But dreams won't be denied. They have a way of returning, time and again, and we can let them haunt us or we can acknowledge and pursue them. I don't know about you, but I don't have time for ghosts and hauntings. I don't want to get to the end of my days and still be wondering "what if...?"
And so I have begun, again, to slowly let my dreams out into the open. I do not share them with the world at large, but with a select few souls I trust to speak encouragement and belief, not doubt and denial. The post-it note above (borrowed from Jon Acuff) says it well. Admitting our dreams is risky. Speaking my dream aloud makes it real. And it makes me accountable to it. This is not a bad thing, but I realized there is a hint something akin to superstition in my unwillingness to admit my dreams. Speaking it makes it real. When my first marriage began to crumble I remained silent for a long time. Somehow in my head I believed if I spoke the words it would become true. As long as it remained only in my heart & my head I could believe it was only my imagining. Some may call this denial. I don't think that's quite accurate. For painful things I see it more as a defense, a way to hold on until I get to a place where I can deal with the difficult days to come.
And why do I do it then with good things? With my hope & dreams? Again it is some weird superstition. If I admit things are moving the way I want the "other shoe will drop" and I will be setting myself up for setbacks or failure. I suppose it come back to that old lie that I don't deserve to be happy or to have good things in my life. And that's just it. It is a lie.
And so going forward I will embrace my dreams. I may not share them with nay-sayers, but I will let them out to breathe.
And what about you? What dream have you buried in fear & doubt?
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