Forgive

One of my Facebook friends posted this picture earlier today. At first glance I thought it was a lovely sentiment, I think forgiveness is a most wonderful thing, but a split second later I shook my head & read it again. I chose not to comment & stir up controversy, but I have to disagree. There are as many people I have forgiven because I don't want them in my life, or in my head, any more. Carrying unforgiveness, or a grudge, it has been said, is like letting the person who wronged you rent space in your head for free. And that's just crazy.
I know I have addressed the issue of forgiveness here before, but since today starts a new year, and for many of us the promise of a clean slate, forgiveness seems an apt topic.
Recently I tried to explain to family members how I could possibly forgive my first husband, how I could face him in various social situations, deal with him on a regular basis. (Let me point out our marriage ended for a lot of reasons, and I am not completely blameless, but the final straw was his infidelity) My sister commented, as she has before, she supposed it got easier having had to deal with him over the years. The truth of it is, though, I forgave him for myself. I explained I came to a place where I knew I had two choices. I could let the anger & bitterness eat me alive or I could forgive him & move on. I said I didn't like the woman looking back at me in the mirror anymore, so I chose forgiveness. It was by far one of the most difficult things I have ever had to do, and it took a long time. But now, when I run into him, as I do from time to time, in a community this small, it is his discomfort I am aware of, not mine.

I was sharing some of this with a friend over coffee recently and she commented, having walked through much of this with me, as well as travelling a similar path herself, that many people don't really understand forgiveness. She was right. We talk about forgiveness, especially in the church community, and most of us can grasp, to a degree anyway, God's amazing forgiveness of us. But until you are actually faced with the need to forgive someone who has grievously wronged you it is a hard thing to truly understand.

Forgiveness, though is deeper still than that. If you read my post yesterday, you may have surmised someone close to me wounded me, albeit unintentionally. I was still stinging a little this morning, but I thought I had left it behind already. Another wise friend (what remarkable women & men I have been blessed to have in my life) saw the hurt as I recounted my story and reminded me to recognize the lies I heard (not what was said, but the lie in my head that made it hurt-that I am not good enough, I don't measure up & that I don't deserve the things that bring my pleasure) and seek the truth (I am good enough & I am worthy of happiness, the things that bring me joy are valid & valuable) and then to FORGIVE.
I did. And the weight in my heart lifted.

Please, don't misunderstand me. Truly forgiving is not easy, and it is not something that can just be spoken. Like saying "I love you", it must be felt with the heart or it is meaningless.
Neither does forgiving mean forgetting, despite the old saw "forgive & forget". Forgiving doesn't negate the wrong, it does not say it never happened or didn't matter. What it says is that I have chosen to be unshackled, to not let that moment, those words, that act, tie me to the past or to the hurt.

My Facebook friend is not wrong about forgiving the people you want to keep in your life. But she only has half the story. Forgiveness sets us free to live, to love, to move forward instead of staying mired in the wrong done to us. It is hugely powerful, allowing us to completely sever the thing that ties us to someone who wronged us.

As we take our first steps into this new year I ask you, who do you need to forgive? And who do you need to seek forgiveness from?