Beware the Hippopotami

I had a most unusual dream the other night. In it my daughter & I, and the man I am seeing were on a vacation at a beautiful lake. I am not sure where we were, although something in me says we were in Ontario. The water was clear & reflected an endless blue sky, there were lots of trees and the shore line was both rough rocky outcroppings & lovely sandy beaches. I floated peacefully alone in the water in an inner tube, the sun warm on my skin, the water lapping gently around me. Every fiber of my being was at peace, content, basking in quiet solitude. I looked around occasionally, to make sure I had not drifted to far, to ensure my daughter was safe, and when I did I suddenly noticed in the water around me were alligators & hippos. I had a flash of concern, but realized as quickly they were not at all threatening. It's funny that even in my dream I recognized the incongruity of it all. Eventually I paddled over to where my daughter had been playing in the sand & water, she was collecting her things, and I asked her why. She told me everyone had be instructed to leave the water, and looking about I could see that it was true. I took her hand & we went in to change.
There was a children's activity organized & my daughter asked my friend to join her. I watched them for awhile, my heart full of affection, my eyes tearing with happiness. And then I saw the pair of them coming to join me, smiling as they approached me, and my heart was full & content.

When I woke I wondered still at the vaguely threatening creatures, even as I still felt that joy & contentment of the final picture. I wondered if they were not some unseen or unspoken threat to my relationship, or if I was choosing to ignore some danger in my life. But none of that seemed to quite fit. Later that day I had tea with a friend, and shared the dream with her. She commented, after encouraging me to keep seeking my own answer from Holy Spirit, that she saw it as God saying what ever risk or threat, real, or imagined , He had me, I was safe, covered. She reminded me that sometimes when things in life seem to be good & going according to "plan" we tend to think it may be too good to be true, and start wondering if we deserve it, begin looking for the thing that will mess up our happiness, especially when we have suffered years of false starts, thwarted and broken dreams, and disappointments.

My life is far from perfect...but that said, it is good. I have found a greater measure of peace in this past year, and renewed joy. I have begun to believe in & pursue my dreams again, and have opened my heart again to the possibility of love. Today is the last day of the year and I have been, over the past few days marveling at what has transpired, and allowing myself to hope for greater things in the coming year.
And then, hiding in the calm shadows along the bank, the great jaws of criticism and disapproval snapped at me. And the violent swirling tail of loneliness almost upended my little raft. And out of the blue sky poured icy rain of hurt feelings, anger at being misunderstood, disappointment and doubt.
I allowed myself the hurt, wept a few tears, sent a text to a friend seeking a little comfort, and then the pieces started to fit. I can float tranquil in my life, and there will be threats to that tranquility, but in the end I can gather my loved ones to me and all will be well again. My peace & well being do not rest in others, but in God. If he can shut the mouths of the lions for Daniel, he can keep the alligators & hippopotamuses from upending my boat and eating me alive too.

I hope to be more faithful in writing this coming year, and that I am not distracted by the alligators along the shore.

Hidden Treasures

Tears & laughter

Sorrow & joy

Hope, pain

Dreams & disappointments

Poured into this poor vessel

Tamped down & set aside,

Forgotten,

left to gather dust

You came, saw the glint of hidden treasure

Brushed aside cobwebs,

blew away the dust

Examined the vintage

uncorked the bottle

Inhaled the heady fragrance

Savoured that first taste

Poured out ruby richness

Set free the genius of the vintner.

Drink deep He murmurs;

speak your wishes
It is my heart's desire to grant you more,
Oh, so much More.

Sing you love song over me...

Was ever a heart so full

as mine, when I am with you?

Your gentle touch a healing balm

to hidden, broken places

whispered words cry out

into

eternal skies

Every star a wish made

a hope answered.

Every colour in the dawn a pale reflection

my delight in you.

Sing your song over me,

Let me sing mine to you

May our songs create

new harmonies

rising like the wind

to dance among the clouds.

Among all men on the earth bards have a share of honor and reverence, because the muse has taught them songs and loves the race of bards.

Homer

Sometimes the road we are on gets long & hard, and we may begin to wonder if we are getting any where, if there is a proverbial light at the end of the tunnel. In fact, some days we may even wonder if the light we see at the end of the tunnel is actually oncoming traffic. It is in those moments we need to step aside and take a rest. Allow ourselves to bask in the love that is our to hold, the love of friends, the love of that one special someone, most especially in the unequalled love of God. Listen for the love song. It is all around you.

The Sun Will Always Rise

I bow my head in the pelting rain, the driving wind

to passers-by I seem a blossom crushed

but the storm will pass

the sun will rise again

and I will lift my face anew to seek its warmth

Though bent I am not broken,

Battered I am still strong.

Come the dawn I will stand tall again

and the kiss of sun will dry the tears of rain.


It has been, again, an interesting few days. Nothing all that unusual has happened, life goes on, good, bad & indifferent, and yet I have had that awful, nagging feeling the other shoe is about to drop. I know that feeling is a lie. I know God had good things stored up for me, and when bad things happen, as they are wont to do, He is there, more than able to pick up the pieces and turn every evil thing into something wonderful.
But sometimes knowing these things, even believing these things isn't enough. We need reassurance that all will be well. And for me, perhaps it is merely too much change too all at once, or perhaps that old fear, the old lie, that things are too good, my happiness, my contentment is undeserved, and it will be snatched away. It is one of the reasons even still I hesitate to make plans for the future, or to dare hope things might get even better-the fear of being let down, disappointed.
I wept as a prayed this morning, feeling frustrated, alone, abandoned (all lies). I confessed to being afraid, of being a hypocrite, speaking boldly about living my life without fear, quaking in terror with every step outside my safe little box. I have been reading the book of Job again (always a favourite of mine, if only for the wonderful poetry, but I do love the tale of Job's redemption & restoration) and something caught my attention yesterday...even in the midst of his laments, his bemoaning the situation he finds himself in & defending himself to his so-called friends Job still manages to speak words of hope & praise. I wonder if those words weren't spoken sometimes wryly, or if like me, Job didn't speak out words of affirmation, hope & praise with tears choking him, refusing, despite all emotional evidence to the contrary, to let go of what he knew to be true.
My tears were short-lived. Not only do I not have time for much self-pity or navel-gazing (but oh how I long for a day alone, away from my every day life for watching the clouds roll by) but I was quickly reminded of all the things I have already come through, most much worse than these few disappointments, and of all Holy Spirit has shown me, spoken to me. Life is good, the days are still filled with promise. The sun is shining brightly today and my life is filled to overflowing with blessings.

How Deep are My Roots?

Stretching limbs

Toward Heaven;

A cloudless summer sky

River clear and sparkling,

Ribbon of song

Storm clouds threaten,

The laughing river

Swells

A raging torrent;

The song now an angry roar

In the midst of this

The tree stands firm

Roots deep beneath the floodplain

Unmoved

Stretching Heavenward

Only kissed by rain.


Are you the tree, firmly rooted, unswayed by the storm? When flood waters rise do you turn your face to heaven, let your tears mingle with the rain but still stand your ground? Or are you swept away by the raging water?
I admit when storm clouds gather my heart quails a little, when the river starts to rise I feel my knees buckle at the force of the rushing water. Not so very long ago I would have been caught in a panic in the storm, frantically throwing out lifelines, trying to secure myself to the shore. But every storm I have weathered has sent my roots deeper into the bedrock of Christ, and I am not so easily shaken.

Eternity in Your Eyes

Alone I stand

open heart, open hands

Eyes blinking at

the startling splendour

of Your light

Heart pounding in my chest

Your voice

resonates

in my bones

Everything, everyone

falls away

Until

There is just You & me.

I see eternity in Your eyes

Feel weightless in Your love.

Completing the Song

Lightning

Never

Strikes twice-

So they say.

Caught in the

Deluge

Do we run for cover

Or shall we

Dance

In the rain?

We laughed

at thunder,

danced

in the rain...

Drank the sweet wine of friendship & love

And when sun

shattered clouds

Rainbow's end was in sight

Rainbow's end is gold to me

Golden memories and

Golden thoughts to me and thee.

Travelling to golden sand.

Sun and stars,

The moon an opal

In my hand

Treasure untold.

Lightning flashes,

thunder roars

we dance

I made public the first part of this piece a couple of weeks ago, and went on in the post to discuss the importance of living life in the moment, of not waiting for second chances or better opportunities. But even as I chose to post it I knew it was not quite done. Truth be told I rarely think any of my work is "done", but sometimes you just have to call it, let it stand as it is & hope for the best. But I knew there was more to this piece, not just the tweaking of words & phrases, but more lines, more to the story. And isn't that true of all of us? There is always a little more to the story, a little more to be said.

I sent my few lines on to a friend who sent back a few lines of his own-His lines were the bridge I needed, a few more lines and the song swelled to a lovely coda.

Like my simple verse that needed just the right bridge, one I couldn't find on my own, so too, at times our lives require us to reach beyond ourselves and allow someone else in. We complete each others songs. No comma, no semicolon is insignificant. Any writer knows the right punctuation, the right phrase turns the whole piece. We are not all verbs, or adjectives, perhaps I am just a comma, a necessary reminder to pause, to breathe.

Take the Stopper Out

Here,

On this barren landscape,

Earth trembles, heaves beneath my feet.

The stones we have placed with such care’

No match for the coming storm-

Your power unleashed,

Vehement gifts

No longer contained

no longer denied

The time has come-

Let go, give ourselves,

Give myself, to You

Beneath fireworked sky

One small sprig pushes aside cracked soil

Unfurls itself in

Newdawn sun

Reaches, unimpeded

Toward Heaven.

As I was writing this, or rather sharing it with a friend, my vision, for lack of a better word, expanded even further. This piece is my attempt to paint a picture of the vision I saw yesterday morning during worship, extended this morning as I continued to try & grasp what it might mean (the second stanza)

I wrote to my friend "The time has come for all of us to stop trying to stopper His gifts to us, to let them flow, put them into service." As I wrote those words I could see a crowd of people, gathered together, hands lifted heavenward, faces turned to the light-and each was allowing the gifts they had been given to flow without doubt or fear. No one looked to his neighbour in envy, wishing he had been given the ability of another. What amazing power there was, the room vibrates with it.
As my correspondence with my friend has continued today I have begun to get a hold of the shift I have been sensing was coming. I had not realized it before, but the church I previously belonged to had become a haven for many of us, and all of us felt lost when it disbanded. There had been a small core of us, good friends who found ourselves seeking other church bodies, and oddly, not one of us landed in the same place. And yet this past Sunday we were all in one place together again & it felt right & good. As my friend & I marveled at this it occurred to me that we had all begun to lean on each other, and to some degree hide behind each other, and God needed to push us beyond our safe borders. To take us back (or forward?) to a place where we learned again that we are supposed to lean on Him, hide in Him.
I am not fond of change, and I do not easily open myself to new people, and yet, looking back over the past couple of years I can see I have been brought into a place where I feel safe. More than that, I realize the biggest shift was that God brought me into a body of believers where my daughter felt safe, and so I could relax and be who I was called to be, or at the very least move in that direction. For the first time in years, decades even, I feel like I am my authentic self, and I do not need to hide it at all.

Come, what gift have you been given? There is a song to be sung in each of us. Unfurl yourself in the Son.

Dance in the rain

Lightning

Never

Strikes twice-

So they say.

Caught in the

Deluge

Do we run for cover

Or shall we

Dance

In the rain?

The community of Magrath is mourning the loss of 4 teenagers today, following a tragic accident early Sunday morning. I admit to shedding a few tears when I read the newspaper article. My own sons are not much older & live in the same community, and it hit just a little too close to home. My heart has been heavy today, grieving with those families, and I longed to call my boys up, pull them close and tell them again how precious they are & how much I love them. I raised my face heavenward again and thanked God for keeping my children close in His perfect care. I am eternally thankful He granted me the blessing of them in my life, and I daily pray for their safety & well-being, especially my sons who are becoming men & beginning to make their own way in the world.
This tragedy got me to thinking, again, about how short & uncertain life can be. We worry and guard against illness and aging, but our days are numbered and there is little we can do to alter that hour. And so I think, perhaps, we should take note, and tell the people we love we love them. Tell our friends we appreciate who they are & what they add to our lives. Never waste an opportunity to let someone know they matter to us. Savour life, fall in love, dare to dance in the thunderstorm & chase the rainbow when the sun breaks through the clouds.

So, to you who I count among my friends, know today how much I love & appreciate you & all you add to my life. You are each a unique & precious treasure. I cherish you.

Belle of the Ball

To see a World in a Grain of Sand
And a Heaven in a Wild Flower,
Hold Infinity in the palm of your hand
And Eternity in an hour. (Wm Blake)

It has been an interesting few weeks, ego-wise. A week ago I ordered my first pair of progressive lens glasses….now, I’ve worn corrective eyewear since I was 10, and getting my first pair of glasses was nothing if not traumatic, but I have come to embrace them as fashion accessories & a part of my “look”. But having to face bifocals or progressives seemed to underline something my calendar & I disagree on-I’m getting older. Don’t get me wrong, I really have no problem with my age, or with aging at all, but I still don’t like reminders that the clock is ticking, especially since I feel like I just got to the party.

I was always a shy, quiet mouse, and I still like to maintain some anonymity but that being said I have also been having some fun enjoying my single status. I may have mentioned before that I have filled out a profile on a dating website, at first simply out of boredom & curiosity, but I have discovered I like meeting people, and have had some interesting conversations & made new friends, with people (ok , men) I wouldn’t have met otherwise.

A couple of weeks ago as I was changing at the gym, I smiled to myself, recalling an email I had just received, and the thought crossed my mind; “Funny, I had to wait all these years, into my 40s, to feel like the Belle of the Ball.” I had no sooner finished shaking my head at how preposterous that seemed when I “heard” that familiar whisper, reminding me “you have always been the beautiful belle at MY ball.” Now, whether of not I am beautiful is not the point here, that is truly in the eye of the beholder, but the truth is we all want to believe we are beautiful, special, admired, sought after….and to be honest there has been enough rejection in my life, in yours too, I’ll wager, to make you question it.

As I have matured, as I have stopped relying on others for my peace & my joy, I have discovered new confidence. Part of my email signature is a quote from Dr. Seuss, that reads: “Be who you are & say what you feel, because those who mind don't matter& those who matter don't mind.” There is truth in those wise words, not to discount discretion & tact, of course. Shakespeare wrote; “This above all, to thine own self be true And it must follow, as the night the day,
Thou canst not then be false to any man. (Hamlet Act I scene 3)” I used to joke about embracing my “inner nerd”, saying that I was never going to fit in with the “cool” or popular crowd (high school can be brutal) so I might as well create my own persona. And I did, but time & a critical partner eroded that until I lost myself.

But slowly I have been unearthing the girl I once was, allowing her to speak freely, letting the inner beauty of my unique self shine. I am not supposed to be like everyone else, I was “fearfully & wonderfully made” in the image of God. He gave me these gifts, this mind, this wit, and this body. Why should I not embrace it?

Jesus taught that we are to love our neighbour as ourselves. (Mark 12:31). I grew up being taught this profound truth, but was well past childhood & youth before it struck me that first we must love ourselves. Not in vanity or selfishness, but as a beloved child of God. If we do not love ourselves, but instead put ourselves down, refusing to see value in who we are & what we do how are we to appropriately and adequately love our neighbours? Truth is, we can't.

So, do me a favour. Go, take a long look in the mirror. Look deep in those eyes & see who God sees. You ARE beautiful. You ARE precious & beloved. Now say it. Go on, no one's listening.

Where the Road has led me

Standing alone here,

On this rocky shore

Your endless ocean,

Water lapping at my feet

The sun brightens

Grey sky’s foreboding

I shiver

Neither cold nor afraid

Breezes whisper

Forgotten hopes & dreams


I haven't had a lot to say lately, but it has been a time of peace & rest, as I have sought new things. And this is where the road has led. And so I have paused, with a choice-do I waver at the shore or do I plunge in?

So He said, "Come." (Matthew 14:29)

Adrift

Adrift,

On this River,

Rootless & untethered to shore or sky

Sun blazing overhead;

this feels like freedom

But when clouds gather...

sweet solitude becomes gnawing isolation

I reach for You-

Be my anchor,

My place to moor; A safe harbour in the coming storm

Capturing the Unicorn

I haven't written anything, in what seems like ages. I have begun many times, only to discard the results as the distractions of the day & my ever wandering mind create a muddled mess of my thoughts & words. I suppose I could say then, that life has been good, peaceful, steady, with no new crises to push me into a prayerful or meditative place. Then again, the steadiness of my days also means no grand adventures or startling revelations. My sleep has been deep and dreamless, my days filled with the monotonous business of living. We are in the midst of the last languorous days of August. In a week school begins again, and life will assume a new rhythm, and I find I am torn between wanting summer's lazy torpor to linger and longing for the structure & purpose that comes in autumn. (Maybe, though, that is just the eternal student in my heart, eager to go back to the business of learning)

In any case my heart still longs to write, even if the thoughts that dance behind my eyes refuse to let me find words to express them. Fear and doubt torpedo my ideas, and the more time that passes the more I manage to convince myself that returning to my writing should be some kind of genius, although in truth to me it is not so much what I write, but that I write. Like prayer the more I do the easier it becomes. On Sunday morning, at long last, the idea, the metaphor I had been wrestling with finally let me grasp it. I reached into my bag, retrieved pen & notebook and poured out the phrases-not the prose I had been unable to tame, but my surprising first love, poetry.

In a caragana bower, under a sun bleached summer sky,

Weaving a garland of goldenrod and sage brush,

Prairie grass and wild flowers;

The endless song of grasshoppers and killdeer, the murmuring breeze, the cry of the hawk,

Circling overhead

No maiden, I, but pure in heart

Waiting for that rare & elusive Unicorn,

Is it you? Is this finally the mythical beast, Resting in my arms?

Goodbye/Hello

Goodbyehello

It seems as though all my life

is letting go-

saying goodbye

Always endings, closing doors

Every hello tainted by an inevitable farewell

You stand behind me,

Murmur hello against my neck

Your arms around me are a promise

Reminding me goodbyes are blessings;

“God be with you”

A prayer until we meet again.

Closed doors mean opened windows

Hello, hello

My oldest son has been away, visiting his girlfriend for the past 3 weeks, but was scheduled to come home today. I noted with a wry smile his Facebook comment yesterday: "Packing sucks". and felt a twinge of sympathy for her this morning when her status lamented; "another adventure ends".

As I prayed for a safe journey for him I could not help but think that I have been saying goodbye to my sons for all of their lives; they were 1 & 3 when their dad & I split and not long after a judge deemed them better off in their dad's care.

My son is grown now, in the fall he starts university. Thankfully he will be starting here, at our local school, but he has been talking about schools further afield for some time now. I am infinitely proud of my smart and handsome boy, and I have always known, as mothers do, that one day he would leave and build a life of his own. But I am not ready. I have had so little time with him, to teach him the things he needs to know to truly be a success. From the first moment I held each of my children and said "Hello" we have been moving toward these goodbyes.

Goodbye is a bittersweet word. I am one to linger at the door, unwilling for a visit to end, to always have something more to say on the phone. I have said goodbye too many times, although in most cases there has been opportunity to say hello again. It's been more than 25 years since I left my dad enjoying his breakfast on a Sunday morning not realizing it would be my last chance to say goodbye. I miss him still.

It's interesting that "hello" has little etymological meaning. Other languages' greetings seem to translate to "good day" , but goodbye was once "God be with you", a blessing, a prayer against the dangers faced in the world.

My subject matter may sound a little melancholy, especially for a beautiful summer day. I am not at all feeling melancholy. August has just begun, but summer has reached its halfway mark. The days are growing shorter, soon the routine of a new school year will begin. Change is in the wind, I can feel it. I have never been one to embrace change, but I am learning to, to see it as an adventure rather than a trial.

As I was considering goodbyes this morning I realized while every hello is inevitably followed by a goodbye, every goodbye also leaves us open to new things. Saying goodbye to friends who are moving to a new stage in their lives, be it physically or metaphorically creates a space for new friends to come in and enhance our lives. For me saying goodbye to unhealthy marriages allowed me to rediscover myself to say hello to a new adventure, to new relationships.

As I thought about how the losses, the goodbyes, in my life have opened the door for new, and often unexpected blessings, I was reminded too that there is one hello, that will never end in goodbye. When we say hello to Jesus as our saviour He promises to never leave us or forsake us-to never say goodbye. Hello, forever friend, hello