Jacob's Dream

My head cushioned on Jacob’s pillow,

Away from the glow of the campfire,

And the ringing of voices joined

In the harmony of friendship

I lay on stiff prairie grass

Counting diamonds displayed

On black velvet

In the master jeweller’s showcase

Just out of reach, Northern Lights dance

Angels go up and down

Their wings flutter around me

Keep out the chill night air

Twenty years fly

At long last I am returning home,

Hope has won out fear

My life is full, but there remains an ache

For childhood skies

Tomorrow’s dawn will bring the reckoning

Will I be welcomed home again?

Again beyond the campfire glow

Tonight to wrestle doubt and fear

As the moon arches across the sky

Grappling One so like me

Locked in the determined embrace

As dawn begins to paint a new day

I will not release her without her blessing

A new name, and a limp to remind me

I turn my face to home.

I wrote the first half of this a lifetime ago, when I was in university. I still remember walking away from our circle of friends laughing around the campfire to watch the stars. I so often felt isolated and alone, even surrounded by our friends...and some days even now those feelings come back to haunt me.

I'm not sure what called this dusty piece of work to mind this morning, but something did, and in my heart I knew I saw the second half of the story. Yesterday I was reading something in Jon Acuff's blog that caught my attention. He said we don't like to wrestle with God, but we do need to keep in mind that to wrestle with someone they have to be close to you. It's a broad paraphrase, but I thought about it, and it is true.

I don't know if you have wrestled like Jacob did, through the night, I know I have. More than once exhausted I have cried out "I will not let go until You bless me". Like Jacob I have taken God's promises into my hands and then fled in fear. I have been blessed as I hid out, and I have wrestled angels on my journey back.

At the end of the story the Man Jacob wrestled touched his hip so he walked with a limp, and the blessing He gave was a new name. Jacob, the deceiver became Israel, one who struggled with God and with men and prevailed. I am still learning my new name, to see myself as God sees me.