A Day to Myself

A day late & a dollar short the saying goes...and that seems to be thematic for me.  But I am here, I am writing, and I am sure, in good time, with patience & persistence (hah!  Not virtues I have been blessed with) I will find a good rhythm.
Tuesday evening I drove the kids to Awana again, and again I hesitated in the church driveway.  Do I go for groceries or head to the mall?  Christmas is sneaking up on us again and I have not yet begun shopping in earnest.  In the past I have taken a day off and just hit it hard, getting as much done in one fell swoop as I can manage.  No waffling, contemplation of ideas long since filed away.  I love giving (and receiving) gifts so through the year I pay attention to random conversations and thoughts that drift through my head, tucking ideas away.  It used to be easier, but I find great joy in finding the perfect thing for someone.  Now if I were truly organized that thought would be accompanied by action, gift purchased and stashed somewhere.  This is not the case.  I confess though, that while I hate the crowds and the lines, I do like the electricity, the buzz in the air at Christmas time.

Again, I digress.  I opted for the mall.  First stop, Canadian Tire though for gas.  And then the dollar store for the list of things Emily requested for her science project at school.  It's always something!  And did you know 3 volt motors are not an easy commodity?  Why can't the school purchase a boxful & sell them to the students?  They're always sending a letter home asking for money for this thing or that anyway.  What's one more?
Ok, I'm done with that rant.

The mall was surprisingly not terribly busy, but they have only just begun their Christmas hours, and it was early in the week.  My son Andrew works in the mall these days, and as it turned out, was just getting off work.  Shopping was set aside for sharing a plate of poutine at the food court.  Much more gratifying.

It was good to have an hour to sit and talk.  I don't know if I have admitted it here, but as much as I did love my children as infants & toddlers, the older they get the more I enjoy them. We talked about movies & books, and what Christmas wishes we had, and that his sister had (her list changes daily, I think).  I got a better sense of his plans for the next few years.

Since my first husband and I split almost 20 years ago (19 in March to be precise) and the courts, in their infinite wisdom, awarded "joint custody" (a joke, but not a funny one) with day to day care to my ex I have worked to build strong relationships with my sons.  It is not such an easy thing to judge with young adults, especially young men, but I like to think I have a solid relationship with each of them.  I know being with them is easy and I enjoy their company.  How they feel I can only guess.
I miss them like crazy, all the time.  I want them to spread their wings and build their own lives, but it tears at my heart when they talk about moving away.
That said, I sat there, in the mall food court, talking to my son and I couldn't help but think what a wonderful young man he has become.  (Warning, Mother's bias )  He is attractive, in his own unique way, smart and thoughtful with a great sense of humour.  Andrew is quiet and introverted, like me....I can see much of myself in him.  If you're reading this, son, I am very proud of you.

He was a sweet little boy, affectionate but reserved.  He was careful-not cautious particularly, he kept up with the other boys despite being the youngest of the 4 grandsons.  But he did nothing until he could do it well.  He made no tottering unsure steps learning to walk, he refused to even walk with us holding his hands as a pre-toddler, but one day just walked.  Most things came easily to him, school was no challenge, the challenge was for us, the adults in his life, to keep him challenged.  Now that he has chosen a more concrete career path I know he will excel.  That's how he goes.


I am rambling here.  I suppose all that is to say I am pleased my children have grown into people I can treat as friends without ever ceasing to be mom.  I love spending time with them, and I am at my best with them one on one.  I wonder how other mothers of grown children feel.  And when I look at the one still at home I can't help but wonder if we will have this kind of bond in 10 years time.  Or will she be pulling away needing her own space.  I remember my little boys and see them still in their grown up faces.  And I look at my little girl and wonder what her grown up self will be.

It is true what they say.  Having children is like having your heart wander about outside your body.