What Begins With a Trickle

In my last post I admitted struggling with my prayer life, with feeling a little like I was battling on my own & the refreshing that came of realizing my friends were still in the fray beside me. More often than I care to own up to I find myself feeling isolated, abandoned & alone-usually because I have isolated myself, pushed others away. It's a hard balance to maintain for an introvert who cherishes and guards her private time & space, keeping alone time in balance with social time, especially living alone.
In those times of feeling isolated I begin to also feel forgotten, neglected, & the old, ugly lies begin to play again in my head, becoming increasingly louder if I do not make a move to silence them, and the longer I wait the harder it becomes to make them stop & the harder it is to take the actions necessary to make them stop. And it quickly becomes a vicious circle. You know the lies...your list may be different than mine, uniquely tailored to your private hurts & fears, but mine sounds something like this:
You'll never be loved, you don't know how to love, or to be loved. You'll always be alone. Everyone is too busy to worry about you. Just think how embarrassing admitting this will be. .... And the lies get more insistent, more vicious, and more ridiculous-you're foolish, you're unattractive-on & on it goes, until I am a broken & battered mess curled up in the fetal position sobbing.

Thankfully this doesn't happen much any more. Not since I really began to understand how God sees me-a much beloved child. And I have learned to recognize the beginning of that downward spiral & call out for help. I have been blessed with amazing friends who know me well, who recognize my struggles, and who keep me grounded. We carry each other when needs be. And I know I can always run back to Father God, crawl up in my eternal Daddy's lap and let Him hold me & love me... no lie can come near me there.

This morning I was reading 2 Kings. The stories I was reading are familiar to me, so I tried to slow down a little more & focus. The prophet Elisha's servant had come to him in fear, the city was under siege, they were surrounded & in what appeared to be grave danger. The words Elisha spoke, "Do not fear, for those who are with us are more than those who are with them" leaped off the page at me. I could barely read the rest of the passage (Elisha prays, the servant's eyes are opened to see the armies of Heaven, in uncountable numbers, surrounding them) It was something I know so well I forget. Whatever battle I may be fighting, for myself, or on behalf of someone else, I have the hosts of Heaven at my back, and they are so much greater than any enemy I may ever face.

As I said in my last post I was working my way through some difficult emotions, feeling out of touch & alone. I sent out a prayer request via email, and within hours had received the first of several notes of support and encouragement, followed later in the day with evidence of answered prayer. How good is our God! As so often happens with a breakthrough what begins with a trickle soon becomes a flood, and I am learning to let myself get drenched in it, carrying the biggest bucket I can find, instead of being satisfied with enough to fill a coffee cup.

In the palm of your hand I stand

Encircled by snow capped mountain peaks

Forbidding and sheltering

Reflected back

Serene waters, fathomless depths

Cool breezes carry the perfume of snow and wildflowers,

Caresses my face as the sun kisses me

I am safe here, cradled in eternity

This moment outside time.