Restless

I have something of a confession to make.  I have been struck, or perhaps stuck, with a deep ennui of late.  I am absolutely enjoying the summer heat, lazy days of reading that remind me very much of my idle teen years.  But I am struggling too with a certain purposelessness.  It stems from a lot of things, not the least of which is being still unemployed.  It is alarming, and I can feel my years creeping up on me.  And Peter has been away for what feels like an eternity.  Add to this several other relationships I suspect are in a state of flux and I feel like my feet are stuck in wet cement. There have been days I have described it as being restless-I pace from one task or pastime to another unable to focus on any one thing.  I'm frustrated, I'm lonely, I'm tired, no, weary, not tired.  This not where I thought I would be at this juncture of my life.  

Yesterday though, as I was going about my morning routine it occurred to me that I am not restless at all.  I am, in fact rest-less.  I have great quantities of time on my hands, a pleasure not so very long ago I longed for, and yet I feel this impending heaviness, this pressure to be doing-well, something. Anything.

I SHOULD be cleaning house, I SHOULD be writing, I SHOULD be job hunting, I SHOULD, I SHOULD, I SHOULD.....and this pressing keeps me from what my heart knows it needs. Rest.  Quietness, Stillness.

Not sleep, I get plenty of that.  Not leisure, I have too much of that.  But life is busy, and the world we live in never stops.  And although I know better I get caught up in it. 

Do you remember the story of Mary & Martha?  For years I believed I was a Martha, because I am happier away from the crowd, in the kitchen.  But that's because I am an introvert, not a Martha, with her servant's heart.  I was stunned when someone told me once I was a Mary.  But when I think about it it rings true.  In my own quiet way I like to sit and listen, to worship with my words and my heart, not my hands.

Years ago I remember reading Habakkuk, during one of my many forays through the Bible, and these words truly resonated with me: 

“But the Lord is in His holy temple.

Let all the earth keep silence before Him.” (Habakkuk 2:20)

At the time I thought the reason the words spoke so loudly to me was the dissonance I felt from the reverence of the church of my upbringing and the, well, noise, of the evangelical fold I found myself in.  I still think there is a lack of balance; the Roman Catholic church I grew up in, while reverent, lacks intimacy, and its formality and rules leave little room for Holy Spirit to move; the evangelical/charismatic church has sacrificed reverence for Holiness, to some degree, for intimacy, and the desire to put off the bondage of rule & legalism had left us with a lack of restraint.  And I doubt I am explaining THAT very well.

I can see now that in my own life I am guilty of forgetting reverence, and of surrounding myself with noise & busyness, and then I wonder why God is silent.  I fool myself into believing I make time to be quiet, still, but the truth is I struggle with it.  I find it hard to focus when I pray, my mind rushing off with to-do lists, reliving conversations, calling up old hurts and past joys, rarely being truly still and silent.

Be still, and know that I am God; I will be exalted among the nations, I will be exalted in the earth! (Psalm 46:10)

When I do stop and take a good look at things though, I really have little to complain about.  I have great love in my life, and at long last great passion too.  My children are healthy and happy and doing well.  I am well fed (too well, maybe) and healthy.  I have good friends to lean on, and I know God will provide beyond my wildest expectations, His promises are true & He is ever faithful.  I may not understand why I am at this place right now, but I realize it is simply a season of change, and, like all seasons, it will pass and there will be new and better things.