YES

I have written on several occasions about living without fear, living my life boldly and without apology or regret (easier said than done, believe me) but what I fear I have had to face has actually been relatively small, the fear of what others might think of me, the fear of getting hurt again, or failing again. But last week I found myself staring down a much bigger fear. The dread of it loomed so large I couldn't begin to express it or deal with it, so I tried to ignore it, in the foolish hope it would just go, be left in the realm of nightmares and misunderstandings. Six days have come & gone and I have come to terms in a small way. I have begun to try and acknowledge it, but speaking it aloud only makes it real.
My mother has been ill for months. What we first thought was a flu that had its grip on her, and then hoped was pneumonia has finally been diagnosed. And there is our collective fear-Cancer.

I believe wholeheartedly in the power of prayer, in the healing touch of Jesus. I have seen enough evidence to know, beyond the shadow of a doubt, these things still happen, are still possible. And yet I wrestle still with all the things I have prayed for and not received the answer my heart longed for. I know God is ever & always on His throne, that He works all things for good (even disease). The most awful things in my life have always brought startling blessings into my life...but I am having trouble remembering that just now.

One of the things that make dealing with this so difficult (and there are many, as you might imagine) is that all the things I know are true, that I would say to comfort my mother, my sisters, my step-father, sound trite and glib even to my own ears.

"YES"

This morning at church, during worship, I let my heart plead with God more on this. What I saw was sun beams streaming through the clouds (one of my favourite sights here) and I knew I stood in the presence of God. And I heard Him whisper in my ear one word-"yes". I have been asking for a lot of different things lately, but this disease was at the forefront of my mind today.
I suppose I will have to wait to learn what the "yes" was for. Perhaps, being a generous & loving Father, there were several gifts tied up in that one promise.