I went shopping today, on my lunch break, for a dress to wear to my son's graduation. Now, this may not sound momentous but, I have to say I can not remember the last time buying clothing for an event like this was such an easy delight. Like many women I have had a long and difficult relationship with my body, or more truthfully body image. My first husband was concerned from our earliest years together that I would become fat. As things between us became strained food became a source of comfort for me. I've long moved past that, mostly, but I like food-I like to cook, I like to share a meal with friends, chocolate is more than a weakness (more like my kryptonite!) I still weigh more than I "should". (I really hate that word, but that's another post) But I have become comfortable in my skin, I am learning to embrace my curves. I consider myself curvaceous and Rubenesque. And today, instead of trying on dresses and feeling fat & ungainly (what do they do to make dressing room mirrors so unkind?) I saw a lovely, mature, happy woman. I bought I dress I liked, that flattered, not one that would do. I indulged in new shoes too and went back to work content.
It was not until now, several hours later that the magnitude of these events has struck me. I am free of self-recrimination, I will wear this dress confidently and I am (at this moment anyway) having no feelings of angst about sitting through my son's graduation dinner with my ex-husband, and his much younger, much thinner wife. Wow, what I feeling! If you have never felt too fat, too thin, too old, too young, to anything, you may not appreciate the wonder of this moment for me. The lovely, confident woman I was 25 years ago has finally found her place again. I know I am beloved and beautiful in the eyes of God.
I will come to you and fulfill my good promise to bring you back to this place. For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. Then you will call on me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you. You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart. I will be found by you,” declares the LORD, “and will bring you back from captivity I will gather you from all the nations and places where I have banished you,” declares the LORD, “and will bring you back to the place from which I carried you into exile.” (Jeremiah 29:10-14).
It's funny, isn't it how the littlest things can make us realize just how far we have come. I was almost dreading buying a dress, but I wanted one, so I decided to risk chipping away at my ego a little more. Instead I discovered I don't hear those bitter lies any more, and truth has take their place.
(The painting is oil on canvas by Peter Paul Rubens, entitled The Union of Earth and Water)
No comments:
Post a Comment