One More Step Forward

Yesterday was a milestone day. My oldest son graduated from high school. It's a little hard to accept, that my sweet baby boy is a man grown, ready to take the world by storm. I can not begin to express how proud I am of him and of the man he has become. It was a step forward, into the future and away from the past for both of us.

Before the commencement exercises though there was a dinner for the graduands and their families. I have to say that meal was a testament to grace and forgiveness. My son's dad and I divorced some 15 years ago, and he has been married to the woman he replaced me with for most of that time. For several years our relationship was, combative, at best. I tend to deal with hurt and with uncomfortable situations with sarcasm, and often with sniping. And I knew this dinner was very likely to be uncomfortable. Preparing for it however I had no trepidation, no nerves. (Of course, it may have helped that at the last minute Christopher called & told me he had given me the wrong time & dinner was half an hour earlier - I had no time to fret!). I was feeling good about myself. I admit it didn't hurt to sit across from my ex husband and see him looking every one of his years...while I still feel (even if I don't quite look) young-younger now, if fact, than I did then. We talked about nothing in particular, like old friends catching up. My only discomfort was in not knowing anyone else, so until we sat for dinner I was pretty much on my own, which I don't like in any venue. I felt some regret in not knowing my son's friends, except through his stories and Face Book page, but I feel good about the strength of our relationship.

But Forgiveness. That's where I was going... I have known, since our separation, that this day would come. That there would be graduations, weddings, baptisms-all manner of significant events in these boys' lives we would need to get through together. And I knew we had a choice in how we faced it. I remember struggling, years ago, with the understanding that I needed to forgive this man for hurting me so, but I didn't know how. I asked my pastor at the time, and, I admit, his advice perplexed and dismayed me. "Just leave it on the back burner", he said. I wanted a formula, a prayer, STEPS to take. I wanted the pain to stop & I wanted to move forward, unfettered from him finally. But, in a way, I did take his advice. With no answer, nothing to DO to make this happen, I went on putting one foot in front of the other, living my life as best I could. The day came when I realized I had forgiven him, but it was slow & subtle, not a single momentous event. Have I forgotten what he did? No. Have I forgotten how much it hurt, how awful it was? Not at all. But talking about it now is almost like talking about someone else. Forgiving was something I desired, but in my wounded state I could not create. I had to give God time to heal my broken heart, and mended I was strong enough to chose the path to freedom.
There are still people I am working toward forgiving-by no means do I have this all figured out. But I have seen forgiveness and mercy walked out in my life, and so I keep on, setting aside former wrongs, asking for healing in my heart, choosing love over bitterness.